I Want To Love You

May 2021 I slowly stir awake, leaving those hypnotizing eyes behind in my dreams like I have for years now. I feel my boyfriend, Nik, move in the bed next to me and turn to look at him. His dark brown hair is perfectly in place despite all the tossing and turning he did throughout the night. His full lips are slightly parted and soft snores fill the room. I love him, of that I am sure. I feel it especially in moments like this when calmness takes over and we can just exist with eachother. I want to cuddle him but I know he'll get grumpy, he hates being touched while he sleeps. Just then he turns over in bed, his back facing me. I sigh internally and decide to get a few more minutes of sleep before starting my day. As my eyes fall shut, I drift back into dream land and he returns. Soft dark brown locks of hair fall to just above his perfectly shaped brows. He smiles at me and the flutter I feel in my stomach is unmistakable. Only his smile does this to me. His genuinely happy to see me, insanely sexy borderline cheesy smile. It always started as a crooked little smirk, developed into a wide grin and then he would stick his tongue out just slightly , so it sat between his teeth, just for a second to tease me. I miss those teeth. I didn't know you could even admire someone else's teeth until the first time he smiled at me. Perfectly straight, except those slightly pointed canines. My subconscious shamelessly drinks in his effortless beauty, but even she tries to avoid his eyes. We know what will happen if we give in and hold his gaze for too long, but will power isn't our strong suit. There they are, the most beautiful big brown eyes you ever did see. They look into my soul, but more importantly they show me his. His raw, loving, abused, happy and sad at the same time soul. I revel in the beauty of those eyes, that smile, those teeth, his face, before the history of my dreams repeats itself. His smile falters, his pouty lips fall over his perfect teeth. The happiness in his eyes gives way to sadness and longing and they speak the words only he and I know so well. "I want to love you, but..." My subconscious recoils and my eyes flutter open. Nik is facing me again. Eyes still closed, lips still parted, soft snores still filling the room. Yes, I love Nik, of that I am sure. But I don't think I'll ever love again the way 16 year old Marilyn Leda loved Landon Roof in the summer of 2009.