MY UGLY FIANCE

VII. Hercules' First Love

 "Talk about anything," anang dalaga na sumiksik sa kanya.

"Ano bang gusto mong marinig?" aniya na halos hindi makahinga. Nasa may veranda sila ng bahay nito at nakayapos pa rin ito sa kanya na parang bata. Ayaw nitong pag-usapan kung bakit wala ito sa mood kanina kaya napunta sa kanya ang usapan. Pero hindi siya makapag-concentrate. Her face is so near that he can breathe her in. Hindi niya alam kung hanggang kailan niya mapipigilan ang sariling angkinin ang labi nito. The first time he kissed her lips left him with an aching feeling to kiss her again and again. It is more than just her lips being sweet and soft. She just makes him feel like living in a dream he never wanna wake up. Ipinilig niya ang ulo. Now isn't the right time for that. He knew something is bothering her, she just won't tell him. And it just screwed the plans he had for tonight.

"You. What's the worst thing that ever happened to you?"

Matagal siya bago nagsalita. "Wala akong maisip."

"What about your last relationship? Sabi ni Mrs. Mon-" Tinampal nito ang labi. "Sorry, I'm still not used to calling Mrs. Mondragon, Mommy. Where was I? Yeah, Mommy Leonnie told me there was a certain Melinda who was in love with you. What happened? Why did it end?"

Natigilan siya. It's one of those things he never want to remember. "I don't think I'd like to talk about it."

Kumunot ang noo nito at bumangon mula sa pagkakasandal sa dibdib niya.

"I need to know. I'm your fiancee, remember?" anitong pinandilatan siya.

Napabuntong-hininga siya. Alam niyang hindi siya titigilan nito, "If I tell you, will you tell me why you were upset?" Napa-isip ito saka tumango. Humugot siya ng malalim na hininga bago nagsalita. "It didn't work out. I broke up with her. End of story." tipid na sagot niya. "Now tell me what happened," aniya pero tinampal lang nito ang noo niya tanda na hindi nito gustong pag-usapan ang nangyari kanina.

"But she loves you," anito.

"Love," aniyang pagak na tumawa. "Do you really think someone would love me? Mukha akong halimaw, remember?"

Hindi ito nakasagot. And there goes that same old hurt again. That's the truth that he should face every moment he is with her. Hindi siya kailanman mamahalin ng isang tulad ni Jane.

Tiningnan siya nito na para bang may gustong sabihin pero nanatiling nakatikom ang labi pagkuwa'y napabuntong-hininga. "If that wasn't love, then why would she cry just to have you back? Sabi ng mom mo araw-araw daw humihingi ng sorry sa'yo. But you didn't listen to her. You just let her go."

Muli siyang natigilan. He didn't want to go there. He had buried the past a long time ago. Pero naghihintay ang mga mata nito. And try as he may, he can't afford to ignore her. Jane always gives her a look that makes him want to give in to all that she wants. Kahit yata hilingin nitong tumalon siya mula sa top floor ng building, gagawin niya mapasaya lang ito. "She slept with another man." Gumuhit ang sakit sa dibdib niya nang maalala iyon. "And I don't give second chances."

Natahimik ito bigla. Hinagilap nito ang palad niya't pinisil iyon. "I'm sorry," bulong nito. Tila may bumara sa lalamunan niya sa ginawi nito. If Jane would continue treating him like this, he'll end up lifeless once their deal is done. "But you should learn to give second chances because more often than not, there lies happiness. Baka napakawalan mo na ang taong magpapasaya sana sa'yo."

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "I'm sure hindi siya ang taong iyon," tahimik na sagot niya.

"You don't love her?" tanong nito na matamang nakatitig sa kanya.

I only love you, gusto niyang isagot. "I did," tapat na sagot niya. He did love Melinda. But not as much as he loves Jane. But he loved her and she just broke his heart.

"And you don't love anyone right now?"

Nagtaka siya sa tanong nito. I love you, gusto niyang sabihin pero iba ang nanulas sa bibig. "My first love," aniya. And his heartbeat raced again.

"Tell me about her," anito.

His heart fluttered. She is you, gusto niyang isagot pero pinigilan niya ang sarili. "And after this, you're gonna tell me why you were upset this afternoon?" Tumango ito. Napabuntong-hininga siya. And he found himself revealing to the girl he loves how he had been so desperately and madly in love way back when he was younger.

Mariing kinagat ng dalaga ang labi sa pagpipigil tumawa. But she gave up. She couldn't control her laughter. She tried so hard to suppress it because in the first place, she didn't like the fact that Hercules can be so in love with someone and that someone isn't her. But she just can't believe what she's hearing. Hercules is totally stupid.

Lukot ang mukha nitong tiningnan siya. The look in his face is exceptional. Pinagpapawisan ito ng malapot na tila ba aatakihin anumang oras. Hindi niya napigilan ang hagikgik lalo na noong ikuwento nito ang ginawa nito nang maglakas-loob itong aminin ang nararamdaman. Sumulat ito ng love letter sa ilalim ng arm chair. Sa ilalim ng arm chair! Who in the world would check under their arm chairs? And he tried all stuffs including dangerous sports. He tried showing off with his new skateboard and fell, his face down in front of his crush. He tried out for karate club and was rejected because he had broken a rib, still in the presence of his crush. He joined the cheering squad, being the mascot, just to be with his crush and ended up in the hospital dahil hindi nito nakayanan ang init sa loob ng mascot.

"You're humiliating me, FYI."

"So hindi talaga nalaman ni Ms. CC?"

"CC?" kunot-noong tanong nito.

"Campus crush. Admit it, you were so in love with the most popular girl in school. Nakapagtapat ka na ba?"

Lalo itong hindi mapakali. She didn't want him to answer her. Dahil naiinggit siya. Naiinggit siya sa klase ng pagtingin na iniukol nito sa first love nito. But a part of her really wants to help Hercules overcome his insecurities.

"Ano sa tingin mo?" walang kangiti-ngiting balik-tanong nito.

"Then you should tell her!"

Tiningnan siya nito na para bang naloloka na siya. " Para pagtawanan kagaya ng pagtawa mo ngayon? No thank you."

"She'll probably laugh. But not at you. With you. Ayaw mo noon? It's gonna be fun."

"Some things are better left unsaid." anito. Now he looked badly wounded. Hindi na siya tumawa. Dahil tila may mabigat na bagay na nakadagan sa dibdib. It must have been hard for him. He did all he could just to please the girl she loves but he remained invisible. And up to this moment, he had been invisible.

"Wrong. Maybe part of the reason why you end up with the wrong ones is because you're too afraid of asking the right one."

"You think she's the right one?"

"You would never know unless you ask."

"If you would be-" hindi nito itinuloy ang tanong. He looked helpless.

"Yes." biglang nanulas sa bibig niya. Gusto niyang tampalin ang bibig. "I mean, if it was me, bibigyan kita ng pagkakataon na makapag-express ng feelings."

"And reject me then?"

Umiling-iling siya. "You don't see the point, Hercules. You only have to say what you feel. Do not think of anything else. Just say it. If she doesn't want you, she'll tell you. And it would hurt. But you'll get over it and move on. That's how life goes. Hindi mo naman pwedeng ibigay ang sarili mo sa bawat taong nagsasabi ng damdamin nila sa'yo. You only have one heart. You only get to give that to the one you love. So you can't expect her to love you back but the point is you ask. You stood up for yourself. And that is one thing you deprived yourself of."

Bumuka ang labi nito pero hindi nito itinuloy ang sasabihin. "It's called knowing my limits, Jane. Not to mention it would hurt so much." tahimik na sabi nito. "So much that it would rip me off. Why should I do something that would destroy me in the end?"

Natahimik siya ng saglit. Bumigat lalo ang dibdib niya sa narinig. She wanted to hug him tight at that very moment. "Don't you think it's a lifetime hurt that you weren't able to even ask her out?"

Nagkibit-balikat ito.

"Come on, don't be a coward. Let's put it like this, kunwari, ako si first love mo, what would you like to tell me?"

Bigla itong namutla. Pinigilan niya ang sariling mapangiti nang takasan ng kulay ang mukha nito't tila hindi mapalagay. Lumikot ang mata nito't hindi makatingin ng diretso sa kanya.

"That's okay, hindi kita sasaktan. What would you like to tell me?"

Nanginginig ang mga daliri nito sa kamay at namumuo ang butil-butil na pawis sa noo nito. Napahugot ito ng malalim na hininga at napatingin sa kanya. "Go ahead, laugh. I know I look horrible."

"No," dagling sabi niya. "Well, a little bit. Come on, we're grown up and you act like that. Just say all those things you so long wanted to say. It won't hurt."

"Alright, alright." He cleared his throat ang looked at her directly in her eyes she almost burn in his stare. Parang aatakihin ito sa puso kaya hinawakan niya ang kamay nito. Muli itong humugot ng malalim na hininga. "Y-You probably do not remember me. But I was... I was the one who used to wait on the gate every morning just to see y-you pass by. I eat at the canteen during lunch just to see y-you and hear you talk and laugh and flip your hair. I-I follow you secretly on your way home just t-to make sure you're safe. I don't know why but...but you make me happy every single day. That even when my heart beats fast and I-I could not breathe when you're near, I still want to be near you. I-I don't know why but... but I-I l-love you," napabuntong-hininga ito. "I love you," ulit nito saka malungkot na ngumiti. "I love you since I first laid my eyes on you. It had been so long but still, I love you. Until this very moment... and probably until the day I breathe my last... or maybe even when I'm through breathing, I'll love you still."

Siya naman ang humugot ng malalim na hininga. Her eyes were suddenly misty. Saka lang niya namalayang mahigpit ang pagkakahawak niya sa kamay ng binata. That was...That was the best expression of love she had ever seen. She felt that. It was so strong it makes her want to cry.

"No laughter this time?"

"T-That was beautiful," aniyang ngumiti. Naiiyak siyang hindi niya mawari. It must've felt so good to be loved by someone like Hercules. Lumamlam ang mata nitong nakatitig sa kanya. Hindi niya alam kung bakit ganoon kalungkot ang nararamdaman niya. Hercules looked at her like he's in pain. It must be so hard for him. To love someone for so long and not being loved in return. "Hug me," bigla'y sabi niya.

Nagtatanong ang matang napatingin ito sa kanya. Ibinuka niya ang braso.

"Hug me," ulit niya.

He did. So tight she couldn't almost breath.

"Magiging okay ka din, Hercules," aniyang marahang tinapik ang likod nito.

"Kailan?" pabulong na sabi nito. Muntik na siyang mapaigtad dahil sa init ng hininga nito sa leeg niya. Everytime he breathes it sends forth sensation to her nerves causing her insides to melt.

"Nakikinig ka ba?" anitong tiningnan ang mukha niya pero yakap-yakap pa rin siya.

Hindi niya alam kung ano ang isasagot dahil nakatitig ito sa mga mata niya, pababa sa labi niya.

Napalunok ito. Pakiramdam niya'y hindi siya makakahinga.

"Jane..."

The most crazy thing happened. Hinila niya ang kuwelyo nito't pikit matang idinikit ang labi niya sa labi nito. Biglang nagkabuhol-buhol ang bituka niya't lalong lumakas ang kabog ng dibdib sa paglapat ng mga labi nila. And when her lips moved she felt that the whole world stopped turning. She traced the corner of his lips. She was trembling as she slowly nibbled his upper lip. What adds to her panic is because he wasn't moving at all. Talaga bang walang epekto ang halik niya dito? But strange as it may seem, she can't stop. Kissing him felt good. Just like when she hugged him. She felt alive. She kissed him hard and deep and somehow lost in space for a while because she had never kissed someone like this before.

Nang maghiwalay ang labi nila'y pareho silang hindi nakapagsalita. Pakiramdam niya'y nag-blush ang buong katawan niya sa hiya. Nang tingnan niya si Hercules nakapikit pa rin ito. Nang bumuka ang mga mata nito'y blangko ang ekspresyon nito.

"That was... sweet," natutulalang tanong nito.

"T-That was me, c-comforting you." aniyang pinilit kinalma ang nag-uumalpas na t***k ng dibdib. "Y-You were so sad. At ayokong nakikitang malungkot ka dahil...uhm... mas pumapangit ka. That kiss meant nothing. This is p-part of the deal. Yes, that's part of what I need to do as... as your fiancee."

Napalis ang ngiti sa labi nito. "Of course," mahinang usal nito.

Gusto niyang bawiin ang sinabi pero hindi niya kayang harapin ang nararamdaman. What if she tells him how she really feels about him? What good will it do to her? It will just make her more than a loser. Bigla'y naalala niya ang sinabi ni Wynona kanina. Bumalik ang bigat ng dibdib niya. Napakarami naman yata ng inaalala niya sa kasunduang ito? Paano kaya kung mag-back out na lang siya?

There was an awkward silence until he spoke. "So, what happened this afternoon?" pag-iiba nito ng usapan.

"It's nothing." iwas niya.

"You promised to tell me." Paalala nito.

"It's a petty thing. I mean, I was just thinking how you're gonna dump me after this deal."

Matagal ito bago nakasagot. Pinag-aralan ang mukha niya. "Is that worrying you?"

Nakagat niya ang labi. Paano ba niya sasabihin kay Hercules na naaapektuhan na siya sa pagpapanggap nila? At dumagdag pa ang impaktang pinsan nito sa alalahanin niya. "'Pag sinabi kong oo, magbabago ba desisyon mo?"

"Anything to please you," seryosong sagot nito. "If dumping you is too much, then I won't do it. We can have a formal break-up."

Nawala ang ngiti niya sa narinig. If they broke-up, it's still the same. Pagtatawanan pa rin siya ni Wynona. Lalabas pa rin ang balitang hiniwalayan siya ni Hercules.

"You don't want a formal break-up?"

Problemado ang mukhang napatingin siya rito pagkuwa'y umiling.

Napa-isip ito ng matagal pagkuwa'y napatitig sa kanya. "Why don't you just marry me Jane?"

Saglit siyang natigilan. Pagkuwa'y tinampal niya ang noo nito. "I'm serious, Hercules!" She almost said yes. She wanted to say yes. He shouldn't joke something like that!

Natahimik ito ng saglit. "Okay, what do you suggest?"

"Can we...uhm... postpone our marriage? I mean, babalik ka ng London , di ba? We'll just announce that we'll get married when you come back. But you're not really coming back. How's that?" she asked hopefully. Kapag ganoon, hindi magkakaroon ng pagkakataon si Wynona na pagtawanan siya. It will buy her time. She's probably starting a new life when Wynona finds out the truth. But at the back of her mind, that's not what she really wants. The last thing she wants right now is for Hercules to leave. But it's the reality she should face.

Napa-isip ulit ito. Mas matagal.

"It's good when it comes to Walter, too because he'll never have his chance. Kasi pag hiniwalayan mo ako at mahal pa rin niya ako, liligawan ako nun tiyak. Whereas-"

"Okay. We'll postpone our marriage for as long as it takes."

"Are you sure?" aniyang abot-tenga ang ngiti. She longed to ask if he can stay and they can continue pretending but she stopped herself that minute. Masyado na siyang halata kapag ganoon.

"Anything for you, love."

Sa tuwa'y napayakap siya rito ng mahigpit. "Thank you!"

"Next time, you tell me whatever the problem is. Hindi iyong sinisigawan mo ako."

She smiled sheepishly. "It won't happen again, promise."

"Good."

"You're gonna do anything for me, huh?"

"Of course, I need you this much," anito.

Sumikdo ang dibdib niya. She knows he meant the deal but there goes the stupid feeling again. She really felt that Hercules is in love with her. Madly in love with her. And she has to get it off her mind because right now, she is starting to love him back. At hindi niya alam kung papaano pipigilan ang nararamdaman.