I love you, in Heaven

Chapter 11

Martha's PoV

In earth, everyday we woke up means another birth and life we gain. But why do we feel so lifeless and despair? Others thought that being alive is a blessing but some people think that breathing means suffering.

When I'm alive, I always tend to asked myself, when will be this stop?

The war in my head and the undying battle between my self and choices are endless.

But here in heaven, everything went well. Realizations and answers that I learned.

Me and Eli are sitting on a bench wood habang kumakain ng cotton candy. Ang tagal na naming naka-upo at hindi nagsasalita.

Lumingon ako sakaniya at nakitang nasa malayo ang tingin niya, kinuha ko nalang yung cotton candy niya tsaka ko kinain.

Hindi man niya pinansin 'yon kung hindi tinignan niya lang ako.

I faked my cough, "Ano iniisip mo?" I asked.

He gazed at me, "Wala naman. I just want to know how's your life back then when you were alive?"

"Why d'you wanna know?"

"I just... Feel like I need to know"

I sighed and crossed my arms while reminiscing my remaining memories I have when I'm alive.

"Hmm, nung buhay pa'ko. Feeling ko may kulang eh. Yung feeling na kailangan mo lang bumangon para huminga sa mundo at maging tao pero, I don't feel like I'm living. May something na wala sa'kin pero dapat at kailangan meron ako no'n. Namatay ako nang hindi ko man nalalaman ano 'yon"

"Maybe here in heaven you'll find out"

"I hope so. Alam mo Eli, araw-araw at gabi-gabi parang hinahanap ko yung bagay na 'yon. I have everything actually, lahat ng gusto kong makuha, agad kong nakukuha but that thing makes me pissed off everytime I think of it then knowing I don't know what is it. Ang gulo di'ba?"

"I'm sorry", he whispered.

Kumunot ang noo ko, "Why are you saying that?" I laugh, "Ayos lang, buti nga naaalala ko pa eh, at least alam kong kahit papaano nagbago ako rito sa langit" I smiled at him and I saw his eyes full of burden and guilt.

Hinawakan ko ang magkabilaang pisngi niya at nagulat siya ro'n. His face become red and his eyes widened as shocked.

Our eyes met and I smiled at him, "Kung wala ka siguro rito sa langit at hindi ikaw ang kasama ko ngayon, baka hiniling ko nang bumalik nalang sa lupa at hanapin ka ro'n"

Naging kalmado na ang kaniyang itsura, "Paano mo'ko hahanapin kung dito mo lang naman ako sa langit nakilala?"

Oo nga no. May point siya. Inalis ko ang mga kamay ko at ginantihan ko siya ng ngiti.

Nagkibit-balikat ako, "Well, I'm kinda enjoying my stay here because of you". I winked at him.

"Really?" His voice become deep.

Tumango ako, "Of course! Ngayon nalang ako nagkaroon ng peace of mind. Dati kase, nung buhay pa'ko... My life is full of adventure but dangerous like I'm riding in a rollercoaster. But here, I feel at ease"

"Sins are exciting and righteousness is boring. Keep that in mind", he suddenly said.

"Oh? Ibig sabihin I'm good na?" I jolly smile.

"You're pretty good", I saw a glimpse of his lips curve into smile.

Napangiti ako dahil sa reaksyon niya.

"Hindi ko nga gets ang ibang tao eh, bakit takot sila sa death? Like, kapag namatay na diba wala na silang mararamdaman. No more problems, you won't feel the pain and hatred anymore. They will be at peace, fortunately. I just don't get it"

He sighed, "They're not afraid in death, they're afraid to be forgotten"

I nodded and didn't say anything. He's right in all matters. Lagi niyang nasasagot ang mga tanong ko. I wonder who he really is whe he's alive.

Nanatili kaming tahimik at bigla siyang tumayo.

Naglahad siya ng kanang kamay habang ang isa niyang kamay ay nakapamulsa.

Tumingala ako sakaniya, "Saan tayo pupunta?"

"Let's walk"

Tumango ako at dahan-dahan kong hinawakan ang kamay niya. Hinigpitan naman niya ang hawak at bigla nalang ako nakaramdam ng kuryente sa buong katawan ko.

His veins and rough hands covered my soft and small hands.

Naglalakad kami nang tahimik nang bigla akong may naalala.

"I thought baby Gab will enter in her mother's dream", I said while he look so serious and attentive. "Deep mistakes can be dig easily when the conscience is too fragile to sink".

I sighed, "Ang bata pa ni baby Gab para mamatay. Hindi man lang niya naranasan ang mga bagay na nagagawa ng ibang bata", pagtuloy ko.

"Walang edad ang kamatayan. We can't hold the hourglass of our lifeline. Everything has its purpose, also in death"

"Totoo ba ang guardian angel, Eli?"

Tumango siya, "Yes, we all have one"

My eyes widened, "Then... Baby Gab is a guardian angel too, right?"

Umuling naman siya, "Baby Gab remained dead and possibly reincarnate, but people doesn't turn into guardian angel. Hindi dahil namatay ang isang tao magiging isang guardian angel na'to, because real guardian angels doesn't born or die they just exist at the first place before we were born. But baby Gab can stay and watch her mother until they meet here in heaven"

Lumingon ako sakaniya, "Bakit alam mo ang mga ganiyang bagay? I always wonder why you keep on answering my questions, correctly. Priest ka ba nung nabubuhay ka?"

He chuckled, "No, I'm not" sabay iling niya, "Natanong ko na rin ang mga tinatanong mo sa'kin"

My mouth formed into round, "Really? Kanino?"

"Well, I've also met people like what you're doing right now"

Tumango naman ako at nakakita kami ng duyan sa may malaking puno.

Eli tilted his head on the wooden swing hanging through the narra.

Lumapit kami ro'n at tanging nag-iisa lang ang duyan sa may puno. He offered me the seat and I hesitantly sit.

"I got you, Martha. Don't worry. You can able to see the wide park and view over here, trust me", he winked at me.

Pumunta siya sa may likod ko at tinulak nang dahan-dahan ang duyan. Ngayon ko lang nadiskubre na nasa tuktok kami ng isang hill. Kita ang malawak na amusement park at ang tanawin nito.

The breeze touches my skin and everytime Eli pulled me from the back, I can feel his breathe touches my neck.

I suddenly feel ignited and intimate.

Patuloy siya sa pagtulok sa duyan at biglang sumakit ang ulo ko na parang naramdaman ko na 'to dati.

"What's wrong?" Hinawakan niya ang likod ko habang ako iniinda ang sakit ng ulo na parang may tumutusok.

Lumapitnsiya sa harap ako and he kneel down and face me, "Martha, anong masakit? What's going on? Did I push you too strong? Sorry, martha. Please, tell me what's wrong?"

"Eli, ang y-yung ulo ko..." I tried to speak but my energy seem so weak.

I heard him saying please but my vision was slowly turning into black and white, into grey.

Anong nangyayari?

I just felt myself laying into his shoulder and everything went dark.

Dinala na naman ako ng isang ala-ala, sa isang lugar na hindi ko alam at hindi ko matandaan pero alam ko sa sarili kong napuntahan ko na 'to.

One girl sitting on a wooden chair hanging on a narra tree, while holding a book.

Lumapit ako ro'n at tanging tunog nang paggalaw ng dahon sa puno at tunog ng upuan ang naririnig ko.

Tingin ko may hinihintay siya dahil lagi siyang lumilingon kahit saan na para bang may hinahanap.

She removed her slippers and rest her bare feet on the grass while she look up in the dark blue sky.

Kumunot ang noo ko habang pinapanood ko siya. She look so young and innocent, holding her book.

Ngumingiti pa siya habang tumitingala sa langit. Her beautiful long hair is dancing through the rhythm of wind. The sounds of the breeze whisper her ears that she will never forget the music and lullaby of it.

How pure and innocent that I might think that she's inlove.

Suddenly, I felt my tears falling down. Biglang kinurot ang puso ko and I can't breathe properly.

The vision turned into blurry because of the tears.

Ala-ala ko ba 'to? Why can't I remember this, if this is mine?

Or if it's not. Then, why I'm in someone's memory?

And there I figured out, the tree was gone. The wooden swing, and so the young girl.

Only the darkness covered my vision and I keep on crying and crying.

Bigla akong nakaramdam ng init na palad sa aking pisngi.

Dahan-dahan kong binuksan ang aking mga mata at nang naging malinaw na ang lahat, there I saw Eli staring at my eyes full of pity and pain.

Bigla kong hinawakan ang ulo ko para tuloy akong may hungover ne'to.

"Martha, masakit pa ba ulo mo? Are you alright?" He asked.

Tumango naman ako at nang lumingon ako sa paligid, nakita kong andito pa rin kami at nakasandal ako sa may braso niya at naka-upo kami sa tabi ng puno.

"H-Hindi ko alam bakit bigla nalang sumakit ulo ko nang gano'n", I said while trying to remember the last thing in my dream... Darkness.

I saw Eli furrowed his brows and the jaw of him clenched.

"Ayos na'ko", tsaka ako ngumiti sakaniya.

He just stare at me intensely and he suddenly caressed my hair.

I laugh loudly to cover up the awkward and worries but it end up so fake.

Bigla niyang hinalikan ang noo ko nang mariin at matagal. I unexpectedly rest my hands on his shoulders and I dizzily close my eyes because of the comfort and ease I felt.

Akala ko magiging komportable ako sa ginawa niya pero bigla nalang may kumiliti sa tyan ko. Suddenly, my face become heat and red like I didn't felt this before when I'm alive.

Dahan-dahan niya akong tinignan at ngumiti siya, "Masakit pa?"

I slowly shake my head and pouted. He planted a soft kiss on my forehead, again.

He touches my cheek with his thumb, "Tell me if it does hurt again, okay? I'll take care of it", he sweetly smiled.

Nag-iba ako ng tingin dahil sa pamumula ng itsura ko. Ramdam ko ang init na dumadaloy sa mukha ko at baka ano pa isipin niya.

He leaned on the tree at parehas kaming tinatanaw ang buong tanawin ng park.

"E-Eli, can I ask you a question?"

"Hm?" His voice become sensual and husky.

Nilalaro niya ang mga bato na nasa lupa upang gawing tower.

"How old are you when you died?"

"30"

"Ilan taon kana ngayon?"

"I'm 30, ikaw ilan taon ka nung namatay ka?"

"27" I left a sighed, "Too young, isn't it?"

Tumango siya, "Gusto mo bang bumalik sa lupa?" Bigla niyang tinanong.

I wanted to laugh but my mood isn't fair.

Umiling nalamang ako, "Gusto ko na rito. At kung babalik man ako sa mundo, gusto kong malaman at mahanap kung ano ba talaga ang kulang sa'kin. When I'm alive, I always keep in mind not to die too easily dahil hindi ko pa nadidiskubre ano ang matagal na hinahanap ko. But now... Ayoko nang bumalik sa mundo"

"You just have to be patient. Mahahanap mo rin, martha"

"Well, sana nga", nagpatong rin ako ng mga bato sa mga batong pinagpapatong-patong niya. "You know what Eli, may mga bagay na naaalala ako na hindi ko alam kung sa'kin ba ala-ala 'yon"

"What do you mean?"

"Bigla nalang ako mapupunta sa isang ala-ala na laging doon yung spot, eh"

"Where?"

"Narra tree, bike, swing and grasses. Laging gano'n, hindi ko maalala kung may gano'n ba 'kong memory nung nabubuhay pa'ko"

"Anong meron sa ala-ala mo?"

I become silent for a while and remembering the memories between a young girl and a boy.

"Noong una, batang lalaki ang naghihintay at binigyan niya ng libro yung babae then kanina, 'yong babae naman ang naghihintay"

Malayo ang tingin ni Eli and he swallowed which defined his adams apple.

"Did the young boy show up?"

I raised my one brow, "Hindi ko na alam, hindi ko man nakita kung dumating ba siya o hindi"

Tumango naman si Eli, "You'll know"

"How can you say that?"

"Once an unknown memory entered in your mind, you'll not hang with questions. Tatapusin nito ang kwento hanggang sa masagot mo ang mga katanungan mo. Kaya kung may mga bagay na gumugulo sa isip mo ngayon, don't worry martha, the answers will find a way to come with you"

I smiled at him.

I entered in heaven being clueless and hopeless, but when I'm with him... I feel so alive and special.

"The earth lost a man like you", lumingon siya sa'kin, "Why best people die?"

Hindi siya nakapagsalita at tumitig lang sa mga mata ko.

"I wish I have met you in earth when we were alive, even just for one day. I really want to know you more, your living and life. I feel so curious about you, Eli"

"I wanted, too"

"Now, I'm glad 'cause you let me discover new things here in heaven without being uncertain. You guided me throughout my journey-"

"Your journey isn't done, yet martha"

I laugh, "I know, I just feel like... I wanna thank you", ngumiti ako sakaniya, "Thank you for being with me", I whispered.

Kumuha ako ng isang bato at ipapatong ko sana sa tower na ginagawa namin nang nagdikit ang aming balat.

I felt the skin of his hand touches mine. Lagi ko naman nahahawakan ang kamay niya then, what's with the ignite feeling flowed in me?

I swallowed hard and left the rock on the ground.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin at pinagpag ko ang kamay ko.

I gazed at him again when he said something.

"Kung sa mundo hindi ako nagkaroon ng pagkakataon para mas makilala ka, dito sa langit... Masasabi kong isang daan o higit pang taon kitang makakasama", he heartedly said.

Something tickled my stomach and my blood stop from flowing instead, an electric feeling replaced to flow in my whole body.

"Martha... You deserve the heaven. Heaven is love"

Nanatili ang mga mata kong nakapako sa mga mata niya at gano'n din siya.

Why he keep on saying me this? Kapag patuloy pa siya sa mga sinasabi at pinapakita niya, hindi na tama 'to.

This is wrong and uncertain.

But... What if this might be the answer?

This is the thing that I am looking for?

Ngumiti ako sakaniya at mas lumapit pa.

"Can I lay on your shoulders? It feels like I'm alive"

I rest my head on his shoulder while mesmerizing the view. I feel so calm.

Whatever this thing is, I want it.

Heaven makes everything become free. Walang bawal at batas.

You just have to be right plus sure and everything will turn out into possible.

Even love.