If Only

Chapter 5

"I am not sleeping with you," Adam said, getting off the sofa. I stayed put, staring at him.

"Ok, we don't have to sleep together. We can adopt a baby," I said, a smile creeping on my face. "Imagine giving a family to a kid who only wished to have one?"

"See, that's the problem we aren't together. The kid won't get the family he wishes for," he said, yelling at me with his hands swinging up.

"WE CAN BE," I yelled this time, getting up for my seat and facing him.

"What?" he asked quietly. I sighed and looked to the side before being able to face him.

"Look, we have been married for two years, and in these two years, I have been loyal to you when you went and slept around with other girls. I am getting sick of it all,"

He stared at me in shock.

"I don't love you, and you still love Spencer even after all this time. Why don't we just forget it all and start fresh? Your parents already think that we are together, why don't we just try?" I asked, grabbing hold of his arm. He looked at me without saying anything.

I was afraid at how silent the room was. He just kept looking at her, not saying anything.

"Adam..." I whispered.

He looked as if he was actually considering to think about what I had just asked.

"You know what the f**k this," he said, barging out of the door. Before I even had time to blink my eyes twice. And now I was standing in our apartment, wondering what just happened.

It wasn't wrong for me to ask what I asked, was it?

We both deserved to be happy. I can't keep living in this world that I have to pretend to be satisfied. It wasn't for him or for me.

He wasn't just going to leave!

I dashed out of the apartment to find him already halfway down the hall before I ran up to him. Grabbing him.

"You know what I don't deserve this!" I said, yelling. "You don't get to do this to me. I have been loyal since the first day when you slept with countless models and actresses while I stayed home working. Why can't I just, for the first time be with someone? Someone that is my husband." I said, losing all the breath from yelling.

He looked at me, speechless for a moment. Before he grabbed my hand, pulling us all the way inside our apartment. Slamming me again, a wall trapping me. I watched him before he crashed his lips again mine.

"If you want to have kids and be real family, then so be it," he kissed me again. Pushing me against the wall further basically crushing me. 

This isn't what I wanted or intended. 

I couldn't kiss him back. My lips didn't move to the way he was against mine. I tried to push him off of, but he was too strong. 

"Why are you stopping me? Isn't this what you wanted," he asked, kissing my neck. I bit my lips, not wanting to let any sound out. "No, please stop. I never wanted this!" I told him. 

He stopped kissing me, staring at me. "Then what the f**k do you want? Cause if it's a happy life with me, I can't give you that. I can never love you," he said. And for the first time, I felt pain in my heart because of something he said. I couldn't say anything. How could I? I just made a complete fool out of myself. I wanted to be able actually to think we could be real. 

It isn't something that could happen. 

"If that's what you think, I will stay out of your way," I announced. It was now my turn to leave. 

-

"Oh, honey!" Kathy said as she handed me a bottle of beer. I took it, drinking it so fast that I was already asking for a second bottle. 

"Slow down there this your 3rd bottle already!" 

"I need this," I said, gulping the drink down. "You know I should've of listened to you and gotten a divorce," I put the bottle down, laying my head on Kathy's lap. 

I found myself at Kathy's place as soon as I left. Spilling my gut out at her. It was my way of finally let everything I have held in, out. 

"Well, it's not too late," Kathy said as she too grabbed a bottle of beer. 

I got up from her lap, looking at her. Actually, considering the fact of divorce, but I was afraid beyond afraid of what might happen if I even suggested the idea to Adam. But then again Spencer hasn't done anything to contact me back. She hasn't even said a thank you ever since she screwed up my life. Why shouldn't I just get my old life back?

"You know what you are right! I am going to get a divorce," 

-

Rushing my way to work with Kathy while my head pounded uncontrollably, I actually contemplated staying home for the first time in a long time. But I decided not to since it could be a great distraction.  

"My head is killing me," I tell her as she parked her car, and we walked to the building of the office. 

"I did suggest you stopped after your 2nd bottle and 3rd and 5th," she said, laughing. 

"Urggggg," I say, turning my computer on. "I just want to go home and sleep,"

"You and me both," she said, turning to face her computer. 

I couldn't exactly remember what had happened the night before. But I do remember the fight with Adam and as well as telling Kathy about wanting a divorce. And I knew for sure that my mind hasn't changed about the divorce. I think it might finally be my chance to get to out of this loveless marriage. 

I have tried my part in trying to make this all work, and he hasn't. Everything I did is to please his side of the family, and for the sake of his pride, I stood still not saying anything. 

But I also did this for Spencer, my best friend. The friend that didn't give a s**t about me. She is probably living the life she wanted while I suffered, and it wasn't fair anymore, and I couldn't take it anymore either. 

After a long day at work, I finally reached home. Judging by how quiet the house was, I knew he wasn't home yet. This is odd considering he is home by this time, but who am I to care. He is most likely to be a girls' house anyways. 

I decided to cook one of the only dishes I knew how to make—ramen noodles. 

I sat on the countertop, making my food watching it cook when I heard him come in, shouting out my name. 

"Elena Elena Elena," I ignored him rolling my eyes. He will find me eventually. 

Not even 2 seconds later, he found me in the kitchen. 

"Didn't you hear me shout?" he asked, coming to stand in front of me. 

"I did," I said, stirring my noodles. 

He rolled his eyes. 

"Where were you all night?" He questioned. I didn't look at him, "Out," I shrugged my shoulder. 

He moved closer to me, grabbing my hand and the spatula I was stirring with flung all the way across the kitchen as he pushed me to look at him. Holding my wrist so tight, it was already bruising. 

"Where were you?"  he asked again. "Out. Why do you even care?"

"Because I do, Elena. You are my f*****g wife!" He shouted, moving to stand in between my legs. 

"Let go of me, you're hurting me," I said watching him watch me so intensely. He didn't let go, but his hold softened. "You told me you didn't care just yesterday. Why do you keep changing your mind?" He didn't say anything. 

"You know what I can't do this anymore," I pushed him off and got off the countertop. I stood in front of him.

This was finally the moment I was going to tell him that I wanted my life back. I didn't want to be attached to his name anymore. I didn't want to be Elena Wilson. 

"I want a divorce,"