Begging for rejection

Chapter 15 - The aftermath

Alexandria POV

“The papers are taking more time, stay where you are” Max texted me, I clench my jaws in frustration, will I always be on the run? Will I always be scared?

“You can stay here as long as you want even after the rejection, you’ll be safe here” Derek says gently.

More of his pity… at least he is not trying to kill me now.

I thank him then grab my bag and head to my room, as soon as I close my door I fall to my knees and break down crying.

It’s the first time I said what happened out loud, the first time I ever tell anyone… I feel my heart breaking all over again, not like it was ever whole, ever since that night.

I can hear Luke’s voice as he said his last I love you, I can still feel Aurora kicking inside my womb, I can see Leila jumping up and down in excitement at our wedding and his parents smiling at me for the first time when they found out I was carrying a girl... and I can smell the smoke of the houses burning down that night... the screams... the tears and the blood;

it’s all rushing through my mind and I can’t take it anymore, I try to scream but no sound is coming out, my breathing is getting heavy and irregular, I hold the pendant around my neck that Luke gave me, the one with our picture inside it on one side and a 4G ultrasound of aurora on the other.

I grab it tighter in an attempt to calm down but all I can feel is pain.

I remember when I begged them to let me hold her or just see her after the miscarriage and how they refused.

I never got to say goodbye to her, to Luke or anybody, my heart hurt more and my pain turns to anger, no, it’s rage.

Why the hell did that happen to me? What did they do to deserve this? How did I let that happen? How couldn’t I see it coming? How can I be such a fool and cause everybody’s death? Why the hell did I believe that bastard?

I start trashing everything in the room while screaming in frustration, I turn around to grab another thing to throw across the room but I find nothing, I actually successfully destroyed the room, everything is either broken or flipped except the bed, at that realization I just walk to my bag and grab Luke’s grey hoodie and wear it, it makes me feel like I’m in his arms, it calms me down a bit.

I walk back to the bed and hug myself and before I knew it I fell asleep.

I woke up to a knock on the door, I open my eyes slowly and the room is dark except for the faint light coming through the windows on each side of my bed.

“Alexandria, can I come in?” I hear Sophia’s voice from the other side of the door.

I reach to switch on the table lamp on my side table and it actually turns on, I guess one thing other than the bed survived my rampage.

When the room is lit, I take a good look around and I’m mortified by what I see "they will definitely think I’m a nutcase now” I whisper to myself in shame.

“Alexandria, if you don’t answer I’m coming in” Sophia says almost pounding on the door.

I groan throwing my legs off the bed and I hear the knob moving and I practically fly to the door, I crack the door a little bit and slide out shutting it behind me before she can see that I redesigned the room.

“Hey sof, what’s up?” I say panting and she narrows her eyes at me in suspicion.

“I brought you dinner, you’ve missed lunch and we thought you might be hungry” she said smiling and I just notice the tray she’s carrying is full of food, too much food for one person.

“Oh, thanks. But this is too much… are you joining me?” I honestly ask.

“No, we just didn’t know what you might like”.

“Who are we?” I ask already knowing the answer.

“Me and Derek, he really is sorry for everything he said … you know … about your husband and how he acted when he knew you were … what you are” she says the last part looking around afraid that someone might hear her.

“It’s okay, I understand and tell him he is forgiven… can I ask you for a favor?”.

“Yes, sure anything”.

“Can you not treat me like this, like I’m broken or something, I mean this morning you weren’t even looking at me, I’d rather have that than this” I say pointing at her face because she is looking at me like she is looking at a dying puppy.

“I’m sorry…it’s just that I was finally happy that I was gonna have a friend and that we are going to have a Luna to take some of the workload of me, but all hope was lost and Derek went nuts and maybe I redirected my anger towards you… you know, as the only female ranking member Derek and Dean expect me to do their future mates roles too… So I’m basically juggling 3 jobs” she says irritated.

“So you don’t have friends?” I ask feeling a little sorry for her.

“Seriously? That’s all you got from what I said?” she said annoyed now.

“I do have friends, or rather did but when I became the female gamma something changed, we weren’t equal anymore and they started treating me more like their gamma rather than their friend” she says shrugging.

“Well, they weren’t good friends in the first place if they changed that easily… maybe they were just jealous of you” I honestly conclude.

“Of course they are, I’m awesome” she flips her hair playfully as she pushes past me to enter my room while I’m laughing about her reaction totally forgetting about the disaster behind the doors… s**t.

“sof, WAIT” but it’s too late.

Sophia drops the tray she was carrying to the floor in shock scattering the food all over the floor.

“Hey, I was actually hungry” I whine but she doesn’t even hear me.

“WHAT THE f**k HAPPENED HERE” she yells still in shock.

“shshshs, lower your voice, I’ll explain… I might have um…anger issues?” I say and awkwardly giggle.

“That’s an understatement Ria” she says holding up a bent metal candle holder.

“When did I become Ria?” I ask raising an eyebrow

“Since Derek said it and you didn’t hate it because Alexandria is to f*****g long”, I just scoff to that statement and she drags me by the hand out of the room saying ,

“Come on let’s find you something to eat while I send someone to clean that mess” I lazily walk behind her while being dragged like a misbehaved child.

Sophia drags me upstairs, isn’t the pack house kitchen downstairs?

My room was on the fourth floor, that’s where the not so important guests stay as Sophia puts it; she says they put me there so people won’t guess how important I’m to Derek.

“Hey sof, isn’t the kitchen downstairs?” I guessed, it doesn’t make sense if the kitchen is on the last floor.

“That’s the pack kitchen, they are cleaning up after dinner so it’s a mess now, we are going to our kitchen”.

“Your kitchen?” I ask.

“Yes the ranked members, we have a small kitchen on our floor just for us, I’ll give you a quick tour of the house after you eat” Sophia says as we enter the not small at all kitchen.

It had a huge island to the left with almost 12 bar stools around it and the stove is in the middle of the island with the sink and the dark wooden cabinets by the wall’s side, and on the end a two-doors fridge and a big kitchen table to the right .

The pendant lights above the island had a warm yellow light that gave a cozy feeling to the already gorgeous kitchen.

“sof, that’s not a small kitchen… its huge and beautiful… I can stay here now that I trashed my room” I say chuckling.

“You can stay anywhere you want if you became the Luna as you should be”.

“You know that can never happen…it won’t be fair to him or to the pack more than anything” I tell her with a sad smile as my heart aches when I say it.

“Come on let’s find you something to eat” Sophia says and goes to open the fridge while I sit on one of the stools.

“What you cooking babe?” I hear Dylan voice coming into the kitchen, I look up and find Dean beside him and Derek right behind them.

All three stop midway when they see me sitting right there and they have the same f*****g look Sophia had, the 'watching a dying puppy howling in pain while bleeding out' look.

Okay, this s**t got to stop, maybe I should try a joke or something?

“Hello triple Ds” I say chuckling awkwardly and they just stand there not knowing what to say.

“you know, because the names of the three of you starts with a D” I explain my bad joke.

“Yah we got it” Dylan says with a fake chuckle, okay, maybe that joke can still be saved.

“I’m a double D myself” I say laughing liking my own joke and all their eyes instantly go to my breasts.

I choke in my laughter when Derek lets out an angry growl and I sink further inside my hoodie while Dylan starts counting the specks of dust on the floor and Dean find the light fixtures very interesting all of a sudden.

“Bad joke?” I say fully knowing the answer.

“Horrible” Derek answers back immediately clenching his jaws, I really can’t disagree with him, that was so f*****g awkward but at least he is not looking at me like I’m so broken? Yes…I’ll take that as a win.

Sophia burst out laughing and we all snap our heads to look at her. Did she find my joke funny?

“I’m sorry I couldn’t keep it in any longer, the look on your faces…. Hahaha, and Derek’s “Horrible” ” she says trying to imitate Derek and continue laughing which gets contagious and a moment later we all start laughing with her.

Dylan walks to Sophia and kisses her temple as she starts making sandwiches “I’m sorry babe, I swear I just” but she cuts him off, “It’s okay honey, even I looked” she says giggling and Derek slams his hand on the kitchen island.

“change. The damn. Subject” he says through gritted teeth, overreacting much?

“Okay alpha, but calm your horses, it’s not like anyone can see anything with the s**t she wears, she looks like a hot mess all the time”.

What the f**k? Is that supposed to be me?

“Hey asshole” I say and lean over and punch her in the arms.

“OUCH, in my defense I only saw you in hospital gowns and oversized hoodies Ria, you can’t blame me”

“So she is Ria now?” Dean asks

“Yes, she likes that one” Sophia says with a playful smirk, I glance at Derek and see a faint smile on his lips but it fades quickly,

Reality must have hit him that few days from now we won’t see each other again.

I know I’ve known him for just few days but I will really miss him, the way he tries to protect me, when he is gentle with me, even our arguments, except for the choking me to death one, but that was mainly his wolf… and of course his mesmerizing blue eyes.