SHATTERED HEARTS

17 -

Alex's POV

A smile slipped from the corner of my lips as my mind kept tracking back to the times I had shared with her, the good young times. A luxury I was only subjecting myself to once in a while before the reality of how I destroyed her hits back again. I had always admired her blue eyes, whom I'm I kidding I admired everything about her especially the blush that spread through her cheeks, that was one to live for and I destroyed that. I didnt know where she was, if she was alive, if so what condition was she in, had she married, or had kids, did she get to pursue her studies. All that I'll never know because I was selfish enough to do such ungodly things to her. And the fact that I had forgotten part of that memory even made me more disgusting. I had destroyed her life and my mind decided to play tricks then by blacking me out. Or was I just the one who blacked out everything in order to avoid the guilt. Maybe I knowingly blacked out everything in an attempt to not see myself as a monster when I clearly was if not worse. And just like every other day in here I let my thoughts roam to that day. A day I keep going over in my head every now and then trying to locate the monster I was a few hours later on, but nothing could have clued me to it. Nothing. Was I always a monster. Then again one really doesn't walk around with a banner written a monster against their forehead. I thought as I let the thoughts of that day flow through my mind as I keep wondering where I made the mistake but I can't seem to find where. I can't even fault someone else it was all my doing.

Six years ago.

Standing out here has my nerves going crazy. I dont think I can hold back my tears once I'm in there. I have been trying though for the past weeks but she keeps getting worse and its so tormenting just looking at her right now. She's so pale and her face I dont want to even think of that else I'll break down here and that's the last thing I want. I'm trying to find courage to walk in there and smile at her when she opens her eyes, it's what she requested of us. Told us she didn't want to be surrounded by our gloomy faces. Said she'd be better alone if all we were doing was being sad. I had felt like crying when she said that. She had been teasing but from her eyes you could clearly tell she didn't want to see us hurting. It hurt her even the more to know we were sad. That was the last thing we wanted, add to her pain. And since then I had vowed to not worry her at all and made effort to keep her smiling even if it meant I'd get teased and I was okay with it. But now, now it just seemed impossible to smile when I could clearly see the pain she was going through. And everytime I smiled I felt like I was just mocking the amount of pain she was in but it was not about me. It was all about her peace of mind even if she had none but at least she wouldn't have to worry about me hurting. So I tried to smile bright as she always said. Said just a simple smile could brighten up a day. And I tried to live with that motto even though at times it was hard. I still did. for my mom.

Which was why I was trying to get rid of my pain and afford one smile for my mother and me thinking about her current looks will just do the opposite. A nurse walks by and looks at me but I just give her a nod by now they should probably be used to this. I've found my old man doing the same thing as me a few times and I understood him. It was getting harder and harder as days go by and her situation worsens instead of improving. And the nurse probably has seen others act this ways I guess when they're in a similar position, she nods back at me giving me a polite sad smile before proceeding to the next room to check on her patient I guess. On any other day I'd have thought that sad smile was tell tale for my mom's condition but not now. If my thoughts went that way I'd end up crying and I didnt want that at least not for the next hour.

I let a breath out before walking in, my dad isn't in here probably went to get something cause he is always here. I walk next to her bed before sitting by the chair next to her bed and I hold her hand in mine. Right then I suck in a breath at the feel of her weak hands in mine but still try not to get overwhelmed by that heart breaking sadness once again because at my touch she had opened her eyes. I suppressed everything and gave out a small smile to her and she tried to smile back but her eyes kept searching my face and I wasn't ready for that situation at all. I didn't for one think that it was because she didn't know who I was it had never closed my mind that it'd get to a point my very own mother wouldn't be able to recognize me until she asked and everything I was pushing to the back just came hitting back like a tornado. I tried to suppress everything and still hold a smile as I told her my name instead and by heavens my dad walked in right then and I couldn't hold back anymore so with a quick goodbye I excused myself walking out of the room only to crumble just outside as I let the tears of the agony I felt inside consume me. It had gotten to this point that my own mother didnt recognize me and I felt wronged on her behalf. It was torture. The pain, the medications and then her body, now even her memory couldn't be spared. I hated every moment I had to see her subjected to this torture. She was fading from us. Our spitfire was fading by every second and we couldn't do a thing about it or save her. I felt so useless just watching her fade away. All this pain clogged my heart and my chest and everything ached really bad I needed air. I needed air before I crashed right here. I thought as I tried to get up and I did so successfully without falling over. At this point my body was just on auto. All I felt was this immense pain that tightened my chest and tears kept pouring out. I had given up wiping them and just let them be. I Walked out and into my car before driving off to God knows where.

After a while of driving I came to find myself parked outside a bar I had frequented since I transfered to my main campuses branch in this are a few months ago. And most of the campus students come here and I happen to be one of them. This was the spot I guess. I didn't know why I drove here but I tried to not let that thought linger and I just operated on auto. My vision which had been blurry had cleared out, the tears had stopped but the heaviness in my chest, the tightness around it still felt just as immense as it had been. I got out walked into the club and headed right to my normal sitting area. Looking around I could see several other campus mates and I was not in the mood to interact so I just stack to my place before giving my order and wished the alcohol could sooth all this pain.

Five shots latter on and a girl rubbing on me made me realize this was not what I wanted. Didn't know what I wanted but this was not it. Whisky didn't cut for me either and after my third glass I just decided to get out of there but this girl wouldn't let me. Kept clinging to me but that wasn't something new. So I evaded her one way and walked out of there towards my car. I probably shouldn't have been driving but I was beyond past the point of reason. All I could feel was this agony and I just wanted something to make me feel better. The alcohol hadn't soothed anything. It didnt act as my calming balm as I had thought it would. The ache I felt was still there. I slouched my seat before leaning backwards and closing my eyes hoping that it would help for a minute but all it did is give me a flash and I knew then that's what my soul was calling for to help sooth this ache. I needed a comfort, one that could only come from one place only. More like one person. I found myself thinking about her. Her smiling face flashed in my mind and I knew thats what I wanted. Just a glimpse of her. That would be all. It would be enough for my agonized soul right now. And I set my seat back with that thought before starting the car with one goal in mind, get a glimpse. A mistake I wish I hadn't made. A mistake I'd live all my life regretting, but no amount of regrets could ever undo what followed.

I had been driving down past the library just making a wild guess if she was there or not trying to see if maybe I could spot her I knew it was late and there was a zero percent chance I'd see her here but I still drove down that road only to see her rushing about before she diverted and used some alley and I cursed inwardly trying to find reason why she would do that. It was late at that and using alleys wasn't the best idea for her, especially when she was alone. I hadn't spotted her friend so I knew she was alone. I drove ahead before driving through a road-alley that my car could fit in towards the direction of the alley, till I got somewhere I could pack and I began my goose chase of her. All the while I could feel something within me heating up but I blamed the alcohol I had and me rushing all over. I finally spotted her and she just bolted upon seeing me. I was glad she knew not to trust anyone and she was still playing safe but I still run after her. I didn't realize then that I was scaring her even more until I was infront of her and she was crying. And then she begged me and from then my mind blanked out only found myself a while latter on in the car holding her with her clothes scattered. And for a moment once again my mind blanked out as I wondered how I got there? why she was there? All this questions swarmed my mind and I couldn't find a possible answer that was until I saw her bruised lip and the dry tear stains on her face and flashes of her running along the alley and me catching up on her flashed in my mind but still they couldn't make any sense. I tried piecing everything but no piece was completing this puzzle. My head hurt as I tried to think and in my agony I found myself hugging her and then a flash of me doing the same hit my mind and I groaned as the headache intensified.

And i found myself pulling her closer to me and thats when I realized I had my clothes on but I could feel her skin against mine. And just like that everything crushed back how she had begged and me like an animal I still did that to her. More agony tore through my heart at the realization that I had hurt her. Hurt her in the most cruel way ever. Stolen her life from her in just one night. One night that will, might scar her forever. What kind of a monster was I. Bile rose up my stomach as the memories kept kicking in and the headache intensified even more making me set her aside comfortably before pushing the door open and I got out of the car throwing up onto the ground before tears started streaming down my face. I was a monster. I was a disgrace. How could I do that to her. More tears rushed to my face as I thought of her face, how she had looked at me with disgust and hatred, I deserved all that I let the hood back onto my head before walking back to the car and took out my hoodie before taking out my shirt and put it on her, hers was destroyed.

I tried not to think of my actions as I did this cause I realized I was violating her even more and I didnt want to. I felt like I could just crawl into some place cry my eyes out but that wouldn't cut out for all the pain I caused. I didn't have even the right to be feeling this way. I was the one who wronged her and for that I wasn't supposed to be crying I was meant to be tormented and not get such relief of crying. My hoodie had gotten some of the vomit so I couldn't put that on her. I was a vile being. That thought kept replaying in my mind as my actions of the previous night kept flooding my mind and they filled the entire puzzle and more bile rose up my stomach at the thought of the cruel creature I had turned out to be and I slouched back onto the ground vomiting everything out. The bitterness that filled my mouth and throat didn't even cut out. What kind of a sick monster was I?

I closed the door on my side before I slid down with my back against the door as I looked onto the empty space ahead of me. With one thought still running through my mind, I was a monster. I was a vile creature. Tears threatened to spill from my eyes but I couldn't allow myself such luxury. I had vomited on myself at some point but even that smell wasn't torture enough. Only one thought was running in my mind by the time I heard the other door open. I was a monster and I needed to pay. I wanted to get her and drop myself to the police station and as I told them everything I could remember with her as a witness but my body couldn't even cooperate I tried standing up but not even my legs could move and I just listened to her footsteps as she walked away knowing well I had ruined her life. And when I needed my body to cooperate it just wouldn't. I dont know how long I sat there in that position hoping for the cops to show up anytime I wasn't even going to argue with them. I waited but no one showed up. Only Got out of there after my father called but I couldn't be able to face my mom right now. How would I. I was a disgrace, a sick monster who had been so cruel to violate a helpless girl one that I'd claimed I loved. No one ever does that. No one ever hurts the people they love like that. I'd hoped I'd get to see her walk down the isle towards me since the day I knew what marriage was. I didnt deserve those thoughts. And i knew so yet I allowed my self to have fantasies where she has forgiven me for what I've done. Yet I know she would never and I'm not sure she would even forgive me for not telling her when I came back. Now I wouldn't even tell her I was that Alex. I deserve to rot somewhere. Not that that could ever be enough to redeem me of my wrong doings.

Present.

Tears threatened to spill and I let them. I had stopped withholding them when I found something more appealing than withholding them. Either way the resulting torment was my goal. And I let them fall knowing well what would follow. I needed what would follow. This was it, it wasn't even enough to amount to the kind of pain I forced onto her but I'd take it. And just like I had thought my sniffling had caught his attention and he was down by my bed swiftly before pulling me up. I didn't hear what he was saying but I could see his mouth moving as he pushed me down onto the floor before hitting me over and over. I welcomed the pain just like I had for the last six months of being in here. And I was looking forward to the next six years in here. It would never cut out but this pain was a reminder of how cruel I was and that added to my torment which I had welcomed to be part of my life. That was the only way I could ever glimpse a life with her and still regret my actions towards her not that they'll ever undo my actions but I welcomed them regardless wishing wherever she was, at least she was in peace, and I hoped she was happy.

,,,, ,,,, ,,,,