SHATTERED HEARTS

Five - promises are meant to be broken

Katherine's POV

I woke up all shaken and sweating. This nightmare again. Those eyes kept tormenting me. I woke up and wandered to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror I felt disgusted by the mere site. There looking back at me was a girl I didn't recognize. More like a ghost of mine.

Looking at myself in the mirror I could feel those hands all over me once again and I hated every second of it. Staring deep into my eyes I felt disgusted by how I looked, deprived of rest and sleep, blank eyes that had dark circles beneath them, pale face, chapped lips. Just this thoughts brought bile to rise up to my mouth and i bent over the toilet spilling my guts out though nothing came out just more dry heaving that was painful but nothing compared to the pain of that day. Waking up just to realize it all happened and it wasn't just a nightmare.

It made me feel pathetic and weak I really was weak I couldn't fight him off nor was I ever in my life able o fight some one off who did bad things to me. Pathetic which is why I'm always on the receiving end of the bullies but now I cant fight anyone off. For which purpose. I'm done. I cant even look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted by myself.

Tears threatened to leave my eyes but even they seemed distraught and they didn't have the energy to spill. After a while of hovering over the toilet I stand up and walk in the shower and scrub my body but no matter how hard I scrub I can still feel his hand all over. They wont go away no matter how hard I try. And I don't want to keep feeling them over me. I feel like I'm giving him more power to ruin me but no matter what I do they just wont go away. It hurts and it hurts even more that I cant make the hurt go away no matter what I try. After a lot of scrubbing I head out of the shower and I cannot bring myself to look at my reflection in the mirror. I don't want to go on like this anymore. I'm tired.

Walking inside my room I walk to my side and grab a change of clothes and change before walking out and head for school. My finals are ongoing and its the last thing I want to be doing but it keeps my mind from wandering too much and well keeps Anita off my back. Walking towards the school has my mind going back to that morning and I knew I couldn't stop them from flowing through.

Flashback

My head is aching like a b***h. My body feels so sore. What the hell happened. I lifted my left hand to touch my lip as I feel pain and feel like it’s swollen. Truth I had a busted lip and a swollen cheek , what the hell, looking down at my body i was in a shirt and a jacket that covered the rest of my body my mind started going haywire. Then it all came back the library the man the darkness and then what he did. I felt so dirty by now. Trying to stand on my legs they felt wobbly and got out of the car. I almost fell but managed. Walking was so painful but I had to so that I could get rid of the dirty hands roaming my body. I can still feel them and it’s disgusting. And get away from here as soon as possible.

“Look where you’re going looser “

I look up and realize am in school and I just bumped into someone.

“Sorry” I say and walk away heading to do my examinations they should be coming to an end tomorrow.

Then I can say goodbye to this hell hole.

Nowadays I feel like i should just crawl up somewhere and never crawl out. I avoid people by all means not even talking to the little kids could help. I've been avoiding going to their room since that day. I feel like I'll end up tainting them and its not right. And my paranoia seems to get worse by day I feel like everyone is out there to harm me. I have even distanced myself from Scar. No one knows what happened to me and I don’t want to talk about it with anyone.

The last thing I need is calling attention to myself.

I head to the exam room and I sit for it trying to get myself not to think about that night. I needed this destruction after the exam I head outside to the field. The last thing I want is to be around those noisy teens. i may be a loner at school and mostly keep to myself but i prefer hooking myself inside the library but i know that's the first place that scarlet is going to be looking for me and I don't want to be around her or anyone else for that matter. So to the field I go.

As am sited down there memories of the following day keep coming back.

After I reached the orphanage as it was still in the early hours I managed to sneak in thanks to Scarlett for having covered for me though. I locked myself in the bathroom and started to scrub myself but still I could feel the dirty hands running all over my body. They weren't going away and they made me sick to the stomach every time I recalled how he touched me even when I begged him not to. I begged him to stop but he didn't even bat an eye he kept going and I need to get those hands of off my body. nobody ever listens to me when I tell them to stop. not the bullies and not even my abuser. I cant keep going on like these what wrong did I ever do to deserve this, not even that I guess, I get to have my answer . Even my prayers I don't think they are heard if they did then all this years I wouldn't be a victim. I keep praying for just one thing and not even that is heard. I just want all this pain to stop is that too much to ask for. Don't I deserve some break at the very least. I wonder as I keep scrubbing myself even harder and the tears keep on running down my face and they wont stop . pathetic, that's all I am now. a ruined piece that can never be salvaged. I think to myself before finally turning the shower off. By the time I got out of the shower my body was not only aching from the nights event but also from the scrubbing I did. Scarlett tried to interrogate me but as much as I love her I couldn’t tell her. I had also not come into terms with it then how could I tell her and telling her ment I get to relive everything that happened to me all over once again. I don't want to. I cant.

At times I wish Scarlett didn’t cover for then maybe they would have gone looking for me and found me before he had laid his hands on me but who am I kidding if I was a five year old then maybe but even that there’s no possibility as they would just rule out I ran away from the orphanage. But at least I got away without a lecture from Anita. But Scarlett hasn’t left me alone since then. Can’t she just take a clue I don’t want to talk.

“Hey stranger why do I feel like you are avoiding me?” Think of the devil and walala! and i hiss in annoyance.

“What’s it now ?” I ask her a bit rude. I know she doesn’t deserve it but seriously can’t a girl be left alone.

“Kath what’s wrong with you nowadays, you don’t come to lunch with me anymore, anytime you get you manage to evade me and when we’re together you’re either silent or rude. Come on we promised and vowed didn’t we.”

“Scarlett I just don’t feel like talking that’s all” I hiss with a finality tone. I have to admit I partly blame her for the events that went down that day if she hadn't left me alone then...

“Kath I know you very well you might be older but we’ve been together all our lives so please don’t shut me out I know something happened that day and that’s why you are like this, you know you can always talk to me.”

“Jesus! Scarlett I just need my space and right now you are clouding it. So please just leave me alone. Can’t you just stay a day away from me. And yes I know we promised but promises are ment to be broken right? We vowed to be together the three of us then he left and I think it’s time to grow up those were just kids talk and every kid do have them.” I know I’ve totally broken her by saying all that but I don’t need anyone by my side to go through my mess right now. I shouldn’t have said that to her especially not after he left she has been so possessive of me cause she says that one day things might go south like they did back then and I always managed to come her down but today I’ve crushed her. Trevor trusted me to take good care of Scar but I’ve broken that too. How could I take care of her when I can’t even take care of myself.

“ Kathy?” Scar called me in a smooth voice on the verge of tears and it pricks my heart knowing I’ve hurt my sister my best friend all because am selfish. but i cant deal with her right now.

“Scar you also need to grow up and stop living that fantasy”

“So you think am the one who needs growing up what about you then, I know this is your defense mechanism but please don’t push me away, as much as you want to push me away am not going to. If you can go back on your promise I can’t so I’m not walking away from you “

“Aaaaaah! Scarlett just stay out of my way, I don’t need a baby sitter am just fed up on how you are all over my space and I can’t go on like this so please leave me be.” i just need to be left alone right now and she seems not to get my point.

“ Kath you are the most selfish person I’ve met. Do you think I wished for any of this being an orphan being bullied and having friends who never stick around?, No.” At this point I wanted to bring her in my arms and assure her that am not gonna walk out from her. But I hold myself together I need to do this for her sake and my sanity too.

“ Fine then am not holding you back Katherine just go” and she left crying. I feel like an asshole but that doesn’t stop me.

Right now my mind can’t process on hurting Scarlett

I don't have the energy to worry about her.

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