SHATTERED HEARTS

10 - monster

Katherine’s POV

I had no one that I could go to, no place I had known that I could head to, I had no one at all. I was a seventeen year old girl soon to be eighteen out on the street all alone. That thought scared me more than anything. I wasn’t known for defending myself in all my years yet then I had somewhere I could hide from it all. Now, how was I going to survive..

I knew I could chuck away my pride and accept Anita’s offer to live with her but I couldn’t, not when they had looked at me with those accusatory eyes. Those eyes kept reemerging in my mind and it just made me want to be as far away from here as possible. I didn’t want to think about my condition right now or how I had ended up in such a position or the fact that just hours ago I had totally given up on living. if I opened that jar right now I new I wouldn’t go anywhere and I’d probably break down again.

All that could be done when I was away. I was following my impassive self, which had never been a good idea but I had run out of options here. I walked ahead without knowledge of where I was going but let my body just go. Soon I found myself by the bus stop. How I got to the bus stop is beyond me I didn’t even know which bus I was to board or where I was heading to all I knew was the fact that I wanted to be as far away from here and as soon as possible. My impassive self was in action and I let her have the reigns.

Soon a bus made a stop and I boarded I had no idea where it was heading but I didn’t care its not like I had anywhere specific I wanted to be. Just away from this town. And if possible very far away. With that in mind I walked to a seat by the back after making payment for the last stop the bus would make which I still had no idea where it was.

I sat down by the window and looked out but my mind wasn’t on the scenery out. It was laced with jumbled thoughts that were fighting for a chance to be at the fore front of my mind. Thoughts I kept pushing away but now I had nothing better to do. I didn’t have anything to busy myself with that’d keep the thoughts at bay. But more than anything tears welled within my eyes as I felt strong emotions overcome me all at once. And I let them be.

I felt wronged. I felt wronged by everyone. Everyone of the people I had known one way or the other had wronged me and so did the world. I felt wronged even by God. How could he allow this to happen to me? Why me? Questions I’ll never get the answer to but they keep popping up every now and then.

And everybody else too played part in my being wronged or they wronged me. My parents never wanted me so why did they bring me to this world. I hadn’t asked to be conceived but then here I was alive and kicking. If they had been so generous to keep me for the nine months then why couldn’t they keep me afterwards. Why would they abandon me. Was I not their blood. Why would they leave me? More questions. That kept swirling in my mind. What wrong had I done to deserve being treated like this? To have all this evil befall me. I was a human too wasn’t I.

The school had the no bulling policy but no body ever stopped my bullying. Teachers didn’t pay much mind. They thought talks and warning would do anything. That never solved the problem. The warnings were given generally so no body was ever held accountable. A word being released for the victims to report. Didn’t they know once one snitched it only got worse. And the other students. They just watched. Playing dumb to not seeing anything. Glad that it wasn’t any of them that had that fate. Didn’t they know no victim ever choose to be a victim. To be on the receiving end.

And the bullies who gave them the right to inflict pain on fellow student. Who gave them the right to say who was different and they needed to teach the different person a lesson. Who gave them this right. That they were superior than others. They have no right. None at all. Are they God? By any chance none of them ever participated in creation so what made them feel entitled to telling who was to be bullied because they’re different and who to not be bullied.

I hate them all. I hate them all for putting me through this. And I don’t want to blame the parents but I blame every one in the society.

They all leave the duty of raising kids to teachers and whatever happens in school is not their business. I really hate everyone of them. They all played part in the wrongs done to me.

And that monster. Why would he do that to me. Why would he even think of doing such a despicable thing to any girl. Yes I was late but that gave him no right to violate me like that. Tears flew from my eyes even more furiously and I just let them.

And Scarlett she had no right. Accusing me like that. She had no right. She should know better we’ve been together since childhood. We are practically sisters and she went ahead and accused me so harshly. Pointing fingers at me. Claiming how I ruined her plans. How dare she. Didn’t she see it was my life that was ruined. She didn’t even care to ask just went ahead to throw the blame all of it at me.

And Anita she’s practically the next thing I know to a mom and yes she didn’t say anything but her eyes and facial expression said it all. How dare they. They all had no right. They had no right to wrong me like that. None of them.

Tears flew down as I looked outside and I couldn’t help but wish they’d all rot in hell. I hoped to never see anyone of them ever again if I lived on. I wanted to be away from them and the town that had been the residence of all the people who had wronged me. This town was a reminder of the betrayal and all the wrongs committed against me. I’m not saying I’m saint but everyone of them should rot in hell.

I had a whole life planned out and it was all crushed to nothing but dust. How was I going to go on living. My will had died. I didn’t wish to live anymore. But now with this pregnancy, I didn’t know if it made everything worse or complicated things. I didn’t want to murder anyone. But I was also not ready. I hadn’t planned for this. Having a baby at seventeen. A baby from a rapist. Could I ever go away from that fact.

This child was a representation of the wrongs committed against me. How I was violated that night. Every nightmare that had come afterwards. The eyes I despised that had sent me to my deepest of terrors. How was I ever to go from that. Would I even be able to keep this child without ever looking back to what my life could have been if that night hadn’t happened or if the baby hadn’t happened. I was bound to blame it. I was a Human after all. What was I supposed to do. I had nowhere to stay, wouldn’t able to lease a place until I had proper documentation, I wasn’t rich. At least I got done with high school.. Adding a high school dropout to the list didn’t do it anymore good.

I couldn’t have this baby. Where would I take it, how was I going to take care of it. Not to mention I couldn’t love it. Its father had damaged my life to a point that I couldn’t close my eyes without panicking and to add that to how he even left a stamp behind. Signature of his acts more like it. The baby, as if it wasn’t enough what he had done to me. How was I ever to move on from this. Although I didn’t think I would be able but it just got worse.

I couldn’t keep this baby. But I couldn’t get rid of it. Was that how my parents felt. Was I also a result of traumatic events. Is that why they didn’t want me. This thought sent a batch of new tears from my eyes and I bit my lip to stop the strangled sounds from coming out. I was glad I had found a seat where no one could see me. Most passengers were by the front and middle and I had taken a seat at the back by the window. I had slid down a bit so my figure was hidden.

I looked at my small duffle bag and then the paper in my hand. And then I remembered the pain I had felt earlier. My stomach had been so painful I thought they were clamps. I wasn’t dumb I had read a whole lot of books that supplied me with fair knowledge and I could deduce that that pain was related to my pregnancy.

I’d be lying if I said the relief that was starting to build in was a result of closing the border of the tiny town. And the hope surging in. It was a hope that was terrifying but I liked it. I was hoping that the pain was something severe and that I’d end up loosing this baby.

The thought that maybe I could walk away from this had relief flooding my body so fast. It scared me but I knew deep down I hoped the baby wouldn’t make it out the trip alive and if it didn’t I’d have more reasons to not go on with life.

I’m I bad for thinking this way. Maybe Scarlett was right and I had been subconsciously killing it. The vomiting should have been sign enough. The smell of the eggs. Maybe all along I had known and I was killing it.

Maybe that’s why I wasn’t as shocked as I should have been. Maybe that’s why I was taking the trip rather than going to stay with Anita in the hopes that I’d screw something up and it would be the end of it and would bring about my end. I’m cruel after all just like everyone else. Everyone I had judged I’m just as cruel as them if not worse. Scarlett was right. I was trying to kill myself and my child. I’m a monster myself.

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