Chapter 2: Backtrack
887 Words
Yumi's Point of View
May mga gabing kahit pagod na pagod na ang katawan ko, ayaw pa rin huminto ng utak ko. And tonight was one of those nights.
Craulo had just left—again.
Same as always, walang yakap, walang goodnight kiss. Hindi ko alam kung mas masakit ba 'yung hindi siya nagsasabi ng "I love you," o 'yung kahit sa mga maliliit na galaw, wala kang maramdamang pagmamahal.
I hugged my pillow tighter and stared at the ceiling. Ang puti ng kisame, pero para sa akin, parang screen siyang paulit-ulit na nagpapakita ng nakaraan.
And tonight, like a cruel habit, bumalik na naman siya sa isip ko.
Andrich.
My first heartbreak.
My biggest regret.
My loudest silence.
Back then, I was only 18. College freshman. Bagong salta sa lungsod. May dalang pangarap, may kakaunting ipon, at may pusong buo pa—though insecure.
That was before hormones, before laser, before ako natutong lumaban. Noon, I was still awkward. Still in the phase of figuring things out.
Pero kahit ganon, he made me feel seen.
Hindi ko inakalang may lalaking maglalakas-loob lumapit sa akin habang nagbabasa ako ng notes sa isang sulok ng library.
"Hi. You're Yumi, right?" pagbati niya.
Nagulat ako noon. Hindi dahil kilala niya ako—pero dahil wala akong inaasahang may gagamit ng tamang pangalan ko.
"Yes?" I answered, unsure.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. I just... I've seen you around. And I think you're really pretty."
That line. Simple. Walang arte. Pero para sa isang tulad kong sanay lang sa titig at bulong-bulungan, it felt revolutionary.
He didn't flinch.
He didn't whisper.
He said it like it was fact.
Like I was worthy of being called beautiful, kahit pa wala pa akong dibdib that time. Kahit kulang-kulang pa ang confidence ko.
We started talking. Nagkita kami after classes. We studied together. Tumambay kami sa cafeteria, sa parking lot, sa ilalim ng puno sa likod ng science building.
And before I knew it, I was falling.
For the first time in my life, I felt wanted.
But the problem was... he didn't want the whole of me.
Only the parts that didn't make him question his masculinity.
We were together—but only in private.
Sa labas, magkaibigan kami. Walang lambing. Walang hawak ng kamay. Walang eye contact na nagtatagal. And at first, I understood. I really did.
"He's not ready," I told myself.
"He needs time," I believed.
So I waited.
And I gave in.
And I loved in silence.
Until silence turned into suffocation.
One night, habang naglalakad kami sa dorm niya, I reached for his hand. Automatic. Reflex. I wasn't even thinking.
Pero agad niya akong tinabig.
"Yumi," he hissed. "Not here."
Parang binuhusan ako ng yelo. I laughed it off, kunwari hindi nasaktan. Pero pag-uwi ko, tinanggal ko ang makeup ko na may kasamang luha.
That was the first crack.
The final blow came weeks later.
Niyaya niya akong pumunta sa isang small party—private, safe daw. Walang judgments. "My friends are chill," he said.
I dressed nice. I curled my hair. I wore the dress he once said looked great on me.
Excited ako.
I thought... maybe that was it. Maybe he was finally claiming me.
But when I arrived, he ignored me.
Pinakilala niya ako sa iba, oo—but not as his girlfriend. Not even as someone special.
Just... "a friend."
Wala akong pangalan. Wala akong label.
Hanggang sa makita ko siya sa isang sulok ng sala, kasayaw ang isang babae. Straight, sexy, mahaba ang buhok.
Then he kissed her.
Right there.
While I watched.
He saw me.
And he did nothing.
The walk home was the longest walk of my life.
Hindi ako umiiyak habang naglalakad. Hindi ako nagwala. Hindi ako nagtanong. I just walked.
Pagdating ko sa kwarto ko, doon ko lang naramdaman lahat.
I screamed into my pillow.
I ripped off the dress.
I threw my heels.
And then I cried—like I was mourning someone who didn't die, but chose to kill the version of me that believed in love.
And that night, I made a promise.
No more pretending.
No more waiting.
No more giving my heart to someone who doesn't have the courage to hold it.
I started taking hormones the next month.
Nagtrabaho ako sa gabi. Online gigs, makeup services, modeling. I saved up. I got laser. Nagpa-facial. Nagpa-gluta. Lahat para sa katawan kong gustong-gusto ko nang mahalin.
Not for them.
But for me.
And when my body changed, when my confidence started to rise, men started to come.
And with them, the rules.
No feelings. No attachments. No promises.
Because it's easier to be touched than to be chosen.
Mas madali pang ibigay ang katawan kaysa ialok ang kaluluwa, tapos hindi rin pala tatanggapin.
I snapped back to the present when my phone buzzed.
Another message.
"Good night. See you when I see you." It's from Craulo.
Short. Simple. Detached.
Exactly what I asked for.
Exactly what still hurts.
I replied with a red heart.
Not because I meant it.
But because it was the closest, I could give to something I no longer believed in.
And as I turned off the lights, pumikit ako at niyakap ulit ang sarili ko.
"Someday," I whispered. "Someday, this won't hurt."
But tonight, it still does.
- Writer
