Cry of Heart

Chapter 2: Another Reason to Die

MALACHI SEBASTIAN

We're walking a long way to reach my car. We just keep asking each other about our lives. We're both fourth year college students. He's studying fine arts while I study linguistics. He's one of the candidates to receive the greatest honor—Summa c*m Laude. And there's me, just an average college student. Well, I don't know if average means repeating a year in college. I'm a year older than him. And yes, that means, I should be done with college by now, but here I am, still entangled in one of the society's curses—and by curses, I mean norms and structures. He didn't ask why I stopped for a year, which is great because I was just lazy and it's embarrassing for him to know.

"Where do you want to eat?" I asked the moment we got into the car.

"It's you who wants to eat, not me." He answered while putting on a seat belt. I just shrugged and started the car.

Before I could drive, I saw how he earnestly observed everything inside my car. I can't help myself but to ask.

"You don't like the smell? Is your seat uncomfortable? Are you not fond of road trips? What's wrong?" A series of question I asked.

"Chill, man. I'm just a little surprise you drive big cars."

"What's wrong with big cars?" I chuckled.

"I don't know. You don't look like a guy who drives a pickup truck." Fixing his eyes outside.

"Then what cars do you think I drive?" I wondered looking at him. He turned his head to me and flashed a smile.

"A bike?" He answered and I laughed. He immediately looked outside again before he could hide his smile. I stared at him for a moment. Why is this guy limiting himself to laugh?

I started to drive our way to the city proper. Half of our trip has been a quiet ride. His eyes are nailed outside and didn't bother to spill even a single word. I just let him have his personal time. I'm sure I've wasted so much of it while we were on the mountain. I guess this is what road trips do to people—contemplate. I decided to play something on the radio in the midst of our trip. I wasn’t expecting the song that played.

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

I immediately turned off the radio, catching his attention.

"Why did you shut it off?" He asked.

"Meh. Just don't like the song." I lied.

"You don't have to feel bad for me because of a song. It can't kill me." He then turned the radio on again. The song kept playing, filling the car with blue and awkward vibes.

"But it might trigger." I mumbled.

"Because I need fixing?" He answered right away. I exhaled deeply.

"You don't need to be fixed, Aiden, you're not broken. People like you are wounded and don't need fixing; you need healing." I exhorted.

"Yes, father." He said sarcastically. I laughed. We just kept the music going on. Another 3 more songs played until we reached our prioritized destination.

"And by healing, I meant it metaphorically and literally." I announced pouting his hand. I pulled over and he analyzed where we are—at the hospital.

"So, this is where you eat. You didn't tell me you were a vampire." Again, with his sarcasm. He took off his seat belt and got off the car first. I can't help myself but to just watch him. The way he walks, talks, and every single move: it's all lifeless. It's so vivid that every muscle he moves is all forced.

I see a dead person walking. It's like I was trying to save an already-dead person. What am I really doing here? Is this right? Am I really helping him or just adding to the burden he already has?

"What now?" he mouthed when our eyes met.

"Going there." I mouthed back.

We approached the front desk of the hospital. A nurse assisted us with Aiden's needs. She asked a lot of questions first before giving us a form to fill up. She looks like in her mid-30s and a little grumpy. Which makes Aiden and I slightly frightened and edgy. Aiden was brought to one of the rooms with only curtains as dividers. I followed them with the form still unanswered. It's Aiden's information they need here, not mine. He sat on the bed while the nurse left us to get something.

"Okay, Mr. Aiden, let's have some background check here first before we proceed to your operation." I said imitating a doctor. He squinted his eyes. "Come on, now. Just ride on. I don't know what to put here. Should I just invent names, birthdays, and stuff?"

He paused for a moment, and looked at me straight into my eyes with a smirk. Oh, no. I fed the devil.

"Okay, Doc. Let's start. My name's Kaiden Sebrano."

Now, I’m the one with squinted eyes. I just stared at him with his weird made-up name.

"You told me to ride on." He rolled his eyes.

"Okay! We're faking things here now." I said nodding. "Alright, do-over." Then I stepped out of his cubicle and entered again. Just like it was really a do-over. I caught him in a 'what-the-f**k' reaction, which made me laugh. "I said do-over! As a doctor, I shouldn't be here already—" I'm about to explain but he cut me off.

"Please, just get me out of this misery." He said.

"Okay, patient #03226." Then he mouthed a real 'what-the-f**k' this time. I'm holding my laugh.

"Am I a patient or an experiment?" I saw his lips curved a smile. He’s also holding his laugh. There we go, just a little bit more push.

"Oh, shut up, Mr. Patientiment." I answered and just like that he laughed.

I was stunned for a moment. I made him laugh. I did it. It was just for a few seconds, but I did it. And it was beautiful.

"You merged patient and experiment. What a terrible name that was." He said smiling.

"Uh-huh? Tell that to Mr. Kaiden Sebrano who's merged from two poor and wounded guys. One’s suicidal, and the other's—" I said without thinking. And just like that, ladies and gentlemen, I murdered the mood. I was able to stopped myself from further digging my own grave, but a little too late. "f**k", I mumbled in despair.

I was about to apologize when the nurse came back with the medicine cart. She told me I need to hand in this form to the front desk outside. I looked at Aiden and he just nodded at me so I proceeded anyway. As soon as I got outside the cubicle, I let out a deep sigh and hit my head two times.

"Stupid." I muttered to myself.

I decided to just wait in the lobby, while making sure I have eyes in Aiden's room. I pulled out my phone and checked if I have unread messages. There's two: a message from the bank saying money was deposited in my account—which is my father's way of saying go live on your own again for the next five days—and from my grandmother asking if I already left the city after I visited mom.

People at school think I have the best teenage life. No limitations, no rules, no parents. They didn't know all three sucks; the last one tops the pyramid. You have money, but goes home to an empty house. You have no rules, so you f**k things up constantly. And don't get me started with the no-parents-category.

I checked out my grandmother's text. As I was composing my reply, a sudden rush of ideas came into my mind. I glanced at Aiden's room and let out a sigh. I started texting.

AIDEN

They did some other tests on me while cleaning my wound, then wrapped it with gauzes. They told me it can be infected so I should clean and change its gauze every day. Like that's going to happen. I lied to Kai. My father's not coming, they didn't even know where I am right now. I skipped today's mass where I should be with them. It's a lie, there's no father to come and pick me up. There's no one who can save me from my own demons. There's nobody capable of shutting the loud voices inside me. There's no way of stopping this. He's damn right, I'm planning to go back there so I could still go on with my plan. I only agreed to Kai's blabbing so I could get rid of him. I'm going to ditch him the soonest I get the chance. I was just unlucky, of all the people who I would bump into at this very day, it was my neighbor.

I thanked the nurse who helped me. She nodded and got out of the room shoving her medicine cart. What's going on with her? Seems like her entire world is collapsing before her eyes. I just let it go, there's no point of asking anyway. Everyone's dealing with their own s**t every day.

I left the mini-room and there I saw Kai on his back. He's in the lobby looking busy on something. I wondered why he didn't go back after he sent the form to the info desk. I thought it was because of his ultimate suicide joke, or he's just not used to seeing patientiments getting treated, or he eventually woke up to the reality that he doesn't want to be involved in any of my s**t—which is the greatest thought of all, I rooted in this one to be honest.

"Hey," I startled him. "They told me you already took care of the bill. You okay?" I asked after seeing him a little nervous.

"Great! Then we can eat now." He answered, avoiding my question. He immediately walked fast through the door. "Let's go." He turned his head back and gestured to follow, so I did.

I can't help but to feel uneasy too because of Kai's uneasiness. Then, a memory struck me. He told me about his mother dying of an accident. Maybe hospital is the last memory he had with his mother. I clenched my jaw and pinched the bridge of my nose. Right, it's about her mother. I am such a dork for letting him bring me here just so we could attend to this stupid wound. Now, I'm torn between getting pissed off of him for meddling about my suicide and getting eaten by the guilt for making him do things that are uncomfortable for him.

"Hey," I started when we're inside his car. He can't even look at me. He's pouring his attention to all of the small things he's doing right now to avoid my gaze. Checking the gears, brake, seat belt. It doubled my guilt. "I figured it's hard for you to be here." He finally looked at me, so I started apologizing. "Sorry for letting you bring me here. I know memories are coming back to you for being here. With your mom's accident, hospital, death," slowly fading my voice. "But, thank you for bringing me here. For conquering a fear just to help out a neighbor. I owe you big-time."

I waited for his response, but all I got is an opened mouth and a confused face. I waved in front of his face, snapping him out of his trance.

"Yeah! Right!" He answered, suddenly and loudly, leaving me surprised to death. "Thank you, Aiden. For-for being highly observant and critical. You're right. Hospitals creep me out. I guess I conquered a fear today, thanks to you actually. Way to go!" He said while stuttering with ultimate awkwardness in his voice. I just ignored it and looked outside again. He started driving.

We took the road again for an estimated 30 minutes before we saw the diner he wants to eat at. It's also dark now so I'll just tell him to eat faster. He insisted on going here at this exact place. He said it's his favorite diner in town and wants me to experience how delectable their food is. I just let him bring me to wherever since it's going to be my last day anyway. Might as well enjoy my last moments here on Earth.

I never got to visit this part of the city. My whole life only revolves around school, house, and church. I got to visit some places other than popular fast food restaurants, but I guess that's the farthest I’ve gone to. And yeah, I'm 21 years old.

He brought me to a diner called Mi A's Diner. I stared at the diner's billboard. I think it was overworkred with its blinding neon blinking lights surrounding each letter. It hurts my eyes. We entered the diner and assisted by one of the waitstaff. After we sat at a record-shaped table with curved sofas, I continued observing the interiors of the place. I think it is 50's-themed. It's nice and resembles a real diner you usually see in the movies or the diners they have in United States. Whoever owns this, certainly spent so much money, idea, and resources for bringing aesthetic to this place. Considering it's Philippines and diners are not much of a thing here. Each corner I looked at, exudes a retro style, giving you an out-of-the-country and a glance-to-the-past experience. Unfortunately, this is going to be my first and last time here.

"Right!" Kai exploded thumping his hands on the table. I was shocked again to death that I almost fell off the couch. If you think of it, I died numerous times today, I wonder how and when's going to be the last time.

"What is wrong with you?" I asked him slowly hiding my face because of the noise he did. Did I forget to mention that everyone's looking at us right now? EVERYONE. Including a bunch of teenagers just across our table playing, laughing, and banging their shoulders at each other just a while ago, before this guy in front of me made a scene. Now, they're just staring.

"Your eyes scream ‘I love this place!’ I'm glad you like it." Unbelievable guy. He said that without caring about other people staring at us. He just doesn't care.

"Yeah. You know what other things my eyes are screaming for?"

"What is it?" He said excitedly. Like it was going to be the news of the year.

"Embarrassment, Kai. Embarrassment." He then looked around. He bit his lips and slowly bowed to hide his face.

"Mi Amores! Enjoy your stay!" A lady approached us with a big, bright smile and handed us two menus. At least this lady knows how to smile.

"Oh, so the Mi A in their brand name stands for Mi Amore. Mi Amore's Diner." I told Kai but he didn’t answer. He's now covering his face with the menu. I frowned. "Seriously? Get over it. No one's looking at us now. Too late to be embarrassed."

Kai settled down after a while. He didn't realize it was really loud and disturbing. If we're too close, or our relationship here is actually friendship, I would really love to laugh off his face. The waitstaff came and took our orders moments later. Mine's hamburger, french fries, and iced tea. I figured this is going to be my last meal so I better be satisfied. Kai got himself waffles, hash brown, hot dog, and another iced tea. He also ordered milkshakes for the both of us.

"So, will I get to know why Aiden's really persistent of dying?" He opened a topic. I drank water first, then sat properly.

"I'll make it simple so you would understand." I started leaning forward to the table. He did the same. I paused for a moment. His eyes are darted to mine, patiently waiting. "I just want to." I said then leaned backwards. He looked away after hearing that and made a scrunchy face.

"So, that's it? You just want to? You woke up this morning and decided "I'm going to kill myself!" Was that it?" He said making a face. I just nodded. He doesn't look satisfied. "Okay, I get it, Aiden. We're strangers. I understand. You don't have to open up to random people. I'm just happy you come along." He then smiled and nodded repeatedly. He stayed like that for another minute. I see what he's doing, guilt tripping.

"That's not going to work on me, Kai. I'm guilt-resistant." I plainly said, but I know for real guilt is my weakest point. He just sulked.

Almost 15 minutes had passed when our orders finally arrived. Kai filled that 15 minutes with talking while I filled that with not listening. We thanked the waitstaff and she wished us a great dinner. We're about to start eating when Kai started talking again. Oh, God.

"Going back to what I've said," I hate this day. "I meant it, Aiden. I'm not going to force you to tell me your troubles." He successfully caught my attention this time. "We're just neighbors for now, but I want us to be friends. I hope. I see no problem in achieving that since you're going to live up with your words, right? Let's just say I am going to be your weekend friend, how’s that sound?" I just shrugged. "Though for now, I think you're going to hate me the most. But I'm pretty sure that's better than you being gone." I furrowed a little. I didn't get his last statement. His eyes are now nailed outside, so I took a look. "I hope you will forgive me. I know you're going to be mad for a while, but I hope someday?"

I f*****g loathe this guy. I stared at him.

"Or no day." He revoked. I slowly feel a rage coming up to my head. It was my parents' car outside. He called them. That's what he has been doing throughout the time we were at the hospital.

"I can't let you go back there, Aiden. I know what's on your mind. This is the best way to get you home. Also, I'm not sure if you're telling me the truth about your father coming back to fetch you—"

"You have no right to decide for me. You f*****g people always get to decide what to do about my life! When will I get the chance to decide for my own?" I immediately snatched the knife on his side but he's way faster and slid it away. I found a chance so I stood up and ran through the back door. I heard his voice calling my name. And that's going to be the last time.

Another reason to die, I guess.