A Lie So Beautiful

44. No more

Jace's Point of View.

He is true here again, why even think about it. When its something I wont be able to choose even when Iam given a chance.

Jace: How strange, Iam even jealous of you now.

As I said that Justin just stare at me seemingly not understanding what I mean.

Jace: When all this is over, and even angel comes to know everything. At least you would have a chance to make it up with her. At least you could said sorry and be forgiven.

Justin look at me with a shaky eye. He seems to be panicking a bit, or even anxious about something. But I guess the topic we are on is not really something we can talk about all calm and collected. I thought he would comment something about what I said looking at his expression but he just ignored it.

Justin: Jace, you know right. Claire will hardly be able to live for two month in her state. Even if she does not get anymore seizure, her body is too weak from all the medicine and repercussions of the seizures.

Why is he telling me all this, even if he does not spell it out like that. Iam more than aware of what's happening and even what might happen.

Justin: All Iam saying is you have to choose soon. Prepare yourself for it, it will be more than difficult. Much much more difficult and harder than you are expecting. There is no room for regret anymore, we have made a choice and we gotta be responsible for it till the end.

Because Iam so sure that angel love me more than anything, because I know her love is so pure and dignified, because I know that she love me truly. I have no doubt at anything I'll do. Everything will work out fine and Claire will be alright again.

But because angel loves me, because she trust me, because she believe in me and because she is Mia. It scared me, thinking about all the things she will go through because of me.

It scared me much more because by then I won't have the right to console her, I wont have the right to hug her and said everything will be alright. It scare me because I won't even have the chance to wipe her tears like I always do. It scares me to even think about what she have to go through for me to be alright.

What do I do if my angel cried too much? what should I do if she hurts too bad?, what do I do if she fell apart? I don't have any answer. And because of that, I seems to be okay with everything else being ignored. Cause by ignoring them, my angel will be okay and will happily smile like she always do.

Mia being happy, smiling and laughing with us, enjoying everything she do and greeting everything that comes her way with a smile and an unwavering courage, was an image which is my fairytale. Its untrue how much I desire that image. But just like what everyone keep on saying, fairy tales are but just fantasies tales and nothing else. And likewise that image was a fantasy of mine and nothing else.

I would have even trade my life with the devil himself to be the hero of Mia's life but I realise I have already sold my life and it doesn't belong to me anymore. And pathetically will probably be the worst villain of her happiness she cherise and adores so much.

As I was thinking all this my phone suddenly rang. As I look down it was Dr. Mirnic calling, I pick up the call quickly with a racing heart.

Jace: What happen? Is Claire okay, is she okay?

Dr Mirnic: Calm down she is alright, Iam not calling because of her.

I feel my breath coming back to me. And also my mind, which mock me with the reason of why Iam in this mess in the first place. That reason was this fear which my selfishness will never let go of.

Jace: Thank god. Anyway what's the matter then?

As I said that Justin sit down besides me and ask me to put the phone in a speaker. I did caused he will need to know all this anyway.

Dr Mirnic: Is Mia there with you at the moment?

Why is he asking about angel now?

Jace(confuse): No. But why?

Dr. Mirnic: Well I have a bad news.

Jace: Of course, please go on.

I don't mean to be rude but this past weeks, a call from him means bad news and only bad news. Starting from news of Cane's mom to Claire, everything is just bad news, so I have to expect it every time he calls.

Dr. Mirnic: I think Mia knows that Claire is sick.

What? Shock is an understatement of the century right now. How can she know? How did she know? And even if she does know, What does she even know? How far does she know?

Jace/Justin: What?

Dr. Mirnic: Before when she come by, she had drop by a few of my stuff and had left it for me and went back.

Thank god! if that's the part he is worried about then, Iam sure Mia does not know.

Jace: If that why you suspect she know then she probably don't know about Claire. We meet her there and told her it was Claire's mom being treated in there and nothing else happen.

Dr. Mirnic: Well, that part I have known, but the other thing is that the time she drop by was the time I was treating Claire with Justin. And she enter my room at that time.

Justin: And?

I have a bad feeling about this one.

Dr. Mirnic: And there is a glass door between the two room which can be shield. I make it that way cause its my private room. But when I was observing Claire earlier and went to shield the door for her, I realise it was not done so before. So we can clearly see what's going on in the other room. You know where Iam going with this right?

Justin/ Jace: Mia must have saw what's going on when she came earlier.

What else can I expect from a call of Dr. Mirnic. Bad news is his other name after all.

Justin: Why did you even have a glass door to begin with. Just why?

Dr. Mirnic: It looked pretty!

I know its not his fault that he have a glass door, but that it look pretty just irk me off in so many ways its shouldn't have.

Justin: So what do we do now?

Dr.Mirnic: Its what do you guys do, not we. I was just warning you guys. Now babye.

And with that he hung up the call. Seriously, he is not even acting like he is interested.

Justin: So what do we do?

Jace: Don't worry about it, I'll just tell Mia what happen according to what she see.

I mean Mia will probably just know that she is sick and Justin is also treating her And nothing else.

This must be why she was so angry, cause she knew we were lying to her. Now I know why she said, I can take my time but shouldn't lie. Bastard, even making my angel angry.

She must have been so confuse, I mean its my ex fiance Iam treating and when she ask about it, I lie at first and then shout at her later. And yet she was okay with it just cause she believe I have a reason and even keep on asking if I hide anything from her, giving me a chance. Iam ashamed.

But what scared me the most was when all this happen she question herself whether she was suffocating me. She thought maybe that's why I lie, and that scared me more than ever. When all this is my fault, she will always question herself before ever blaming me.

She even thought she was the one suffocating me when she have never even get mad because I kept a secret from her. She always give me time and chance for me to figure out what happen and share only when Iam comfortable. And yet I made her question herself on whether she is suffocating me. I really should be ashamed of myself. I should really fix this quickly.

But what if all this cycle repeat again when she know of all the things that is happening and Iam not there to fix it?

What will happen then, who will tell her that nothing is her fault?

I really really hope and pray that at least she will know who to blame. Know how to be angry and mad at me, and as much as I hate and desperately hope its not the case, I hope she will even learn how to hate me. Although even thinking about it alone pain me as if I have been stab a thousand time, her hating me would be the best for her. And if its gonna bring her even a little bit of goodness then who cares about anything else.

Justin : Are you seriously gonna keep zoning out? Cause Iam leaving if that's your plan.

This feels like the fifth time that I have forgotten him being here.

Jace: You were saying?

Justin: Seriously listen!! Now, what are you gonna tell Mia again?

Jace: She just saw you guys treating Claire and nothing else. I just have to say as it is, nothing else.

Its really such a relieve that she only see so much. Although its a problem that she saw it but at least its manageable.

Justin: Won't she suspect something?

Jace: Don't underestimate her trust on us. She trust us more than anything can compare.

And its more than a shame that we take advantage of that everytime. But if I can believe anything with surety in this life than its Mia loyalty, her trust for me is something so strong and beautiful that I really regret being wasted on someone like me.

Justin: How ironic, you also trust her more than anything.

Jace: Huh?

Justin: When something like this happen, the possibility that Mia might misunderstand your relationship with Claire don't even occur to you once. Rather you worry about her believing in you too much, you are rather scared that, that blind trust she have for you might hurt her someday. Or even if its not today, you trust her unconditionally. You never ever doubt her, always worrying and caring for her well being. Looking out for her in everything she do, she seems like a child you had to take care of sometimes. Its as if she can do nothing bad in your eye. Which make me curious, why? Why do you do all this, so sincerely at that.

Its funny how this for me, is the easiest question to answer.

Jace: Cause she is Mia.

When I say that with a bright smile on my face, he also smile bitterly at me.

Jace: Its an honor for me to have her love, to ever have the chance to take care of her let alone love her. She is my angel, an angel made just for me. Although its a shame that I could never do the same for her.

Justin: So, why can't it be Mia? You love her this much, so why can't it be her?

Its scary how I know this answer, so easily and too clearly at that.

Jace: Because I have nothing to give her anymore. Because by the time I meet her, everything I hold precious were already given to someone so precious that I could never regret it.

When I said that Justin stare at me quietly for a long time with a piercing gaze that seems to know everything and finally left slamming the door in frustration. While I just sit there the whole night just looking at those wall which seems to reflect my self to me, very clearly although I can't see.