I sat in my bedroom, Staring at my dresser drawer, Inside, containing horrible secrets that I'd been keeping from everyone, Secrets that won't be able to stay hidden for long, Secrets that would destroy multiple lives, Which is ironic.
I needed to talk to Johnny. This needs to end. Now.
Nodding to myself, and taking a deep breath in, I stood and left my room. I'd been hiding up here all morning, Since mum left for work, Trying to find the courage to just go down those stairs and say those two stupid, Little words, We're Over.
But, I couldn't bring myself to say them.
Cath, You have to.
I kept telling myself that, Over and over, And now I was going to say that to him.
As soon as my foot touched the bottom step, My courage grew and I was determined to follow through with my quest. I headed to the front room first, But he wasn't there, Nor the kitchen or the Games room.
He's probably in his office.
I shivered at the thought, and then mentally scolding myself for doing so.
His office was the room where our affair often happened. It was big, Private and mum never went in there... and on the off chance she did, The door has a lock.
The courage was slowly fading with every step I took.
Standing in front of the closed door, I raised my fist and knocked. There was silence for a few moments before I heard his voice boom from inside.
Taking another deep breath, I opened it and walked inside. I'll leave the door open, Just in case, I needed to make a quick exit. He was sat behind his desk, Typing away on his computer, Probably work, It's all he ever does… Something him and mum often fight about… I’m sure she would be more angry about the other things he does more… if only she knew.
He didn’t even look up when I approached him, Not even to greet me.
‘We can’t do this anymore, We’re over Johnny’. I told him sternly, But he still didn’t look at me. I waited, but when he refused to acknowledge me, I just shook my head and left the room.
I made it back to the bottom of the stairs, before a hand gripped hold of my wrist, and pulled me back, spinning me around and pinned me against the wall. Looking into my eyes, He just grinned, cockily;
‘What do you mean, ‘’We can't do this’’?’ He asked, I could tell by his facial expression, He didn’t believe this was the end. Many times before today, I had tried to end this… affair, But when you lived with the person you are in love with, Its hard not to fall back into their arms… no matter who they are.
Whenever I actually managed to make my mind up, He would just turn on the Johnny Beckett charms, and I’d forget about leaving him and we would end up in bed together again.
Not this time.
We. Were. Over.
‘Exactly how it sounds. I love you Johnny, But you don’t love me, and you never have. You’re still sleeping with my mother for god's sake!’ As I said the words, A sharp pain ran through my heart. It killed me every time, Yes, Our house was big, But I still heard them... At night... In their bedroom, And I hated it!
He just rolled his eyes and shook his head at me.
‘You’re 37 for god sake! I’m 18, This whole thing is wrong, On so many levels, Can’t you see that?’
‘Yeah, Of course, I do, But I don’t care’. And there you go, He didn’t care.
'Yeah, Well, I do, So, it's going to stop. Now.' It took me all to say these words, but he looked like he couldn’t care less, and he probably didn't. I didn't mean anything to him, I was just a young, Little forbidden toy he liked to play with when he was bored and his wife wasn't around.
‘Well, I don’t want it to end’. He leaned close and whispered, I tried to pull away, But it only resulted in him holding me tighter. He knew full well how I felt about him, He knew I was totally and completely in love with him and would give up everything to be with him, Did he care?
‘I don’t care about what you want Johnny’. That wasn’t exactly true, But I wished it was. He didn’t care about what I want.. Why should I?
I put my hands on his chest and with all my strength, Pushed him away. It didn’t have much of an effect on the 161-pound man though, and, just like before, I found myself trapped between him and the wall again.
He didn’t answer me, Instead, He slid his hands down my body and around my thighs. I had to close my eyes and try and block out his touch, which was easier said than done. My body reacted to him like a natural impulse.
When he grabbed hold of my ass, He lifted me, forcing me to wrap my legs around his waist, Having him so close made it harder to control my urges, but I had to try.
Be strong Cath… Be strong.
I could feel his erection pressing against me, But I ignored it. All I could think about was, If my mum found out about us, It would kill her... After she killed me and Johnny first, of course, This didn’t start as an affair, In fact, I was involved with Johnny, Long before he was involved with my mother.
I went to a house-warming party at my Uncles house, There, I met Johnny and some other people, After a few too many drinks, We ended up in bed together, When I woke up the next morning, He was gone, and I never saw him again… well, until my mum brought him home..as her new boyfriend, and the rest, as they say, was history.
I was so angry and upset And stayed that way for a few months, and then he moved in, and things got worse. Mum had to stay away one evening on a business trip. It was just the two of us and well… it just happened.
I thought it was another drunken mistake... But after that night, we continued to sleep together every chance we got, and I felt absolutely terrible about it. I tried to find myself a boyfriend, move on and get over Johnny, but, it never worked out.
There was only ever one man for me.
‘Come on babe, let's go upstairs and forget about all this stupid s**t’. Letting me go, Being careful not to drop me as he set me back on my feet, He lightly tugged on my hand, Trying to lead me up the stairs.
‘NO!’ My sudden loud outburst seemed to shock him ‘This isn’t ‘’Stupid s**t!’’ I said we’re over, so we’re bloody over!’. With that, I turned and walked towards the front door. I needed to put space between us, I can’t be around him right now.
I’ll go to Oliver’s house. He was a close friend that I had met though Johnny, He knew all about the two of us and often tried to give me advice or help. He understood it, but he definitely didn’t like or agree with it.
‘You’ll come crawling back to me Cathie!’ He yelled as I walked out the door, I didn’t turn or respond, because deep down, I knew… He was probably right.