Traumatized Love

Episode 10

The next day, Steven came and pick me up as promised. He brought me out for lunch before taking me to the apartment. Although I felt excited to leave the hospital, I couldn’t help but feel intimidated by the people around me and the surroundings. I wonder if it was because I was away from social life for so long. Being in a restaurant makes me feel nervous too. I couldn’t eat much. Every time when I think about the past regardless if it was triggered or something I saw reminded me of it, I will start to feel my chest tighten and have difficulty breathing. All I could do to calm myself down was by taking deep breaths and think about something else.

Steven was really helpful though. He tried to show me around, pointing out cafes and convenient stores nearby. He was also kind enough to buy me some basic necessities, food and clothes. He even bought me a smart phone and saved all the important numbers in it. He brought me to the apartment which was already prepared and cleaned all ready for me to move in. He made sure that I was settled before he left. Steven also gave me some cash and kept on asking if I was alright and if I needed anything else. He asked to call if I needed anything. I had to assure him that everything was alright and there was nothing else I needed. I thanked him profusely before he felt comfortable leaving me by myself.

The moment he left and I was alone in the apartment, I sank to the floor by the door contemplating what just happened. I started to hyperventilate which turned into heavy sobs as tears started flowing down my face. I felt lost and didn’t know what to do or how to calm myself down. It took me an hour before I manage to calm myself down enough to get up and think properly. Throughout the day, I was in a daze. I sat on the couch in the living room staring into space. I felt like I was dropping into a deep dark abyss. Sometimes I felt numb. Other times I couldn’t move or do anything. I just didn’t have any motivation at all. I didn’t know how long I sat there doing nothing. In the end, I got up to grab a bite before going into the bedroom. I decided to take a sleeping pill and lie down on the bed begging for sleep to engulf me.

I woke up the next day to my phone ringing. Although the room was dark, I could tell it was late morning. I picked up the phone.

“Hello,” I answered.

“Beth, good morning. You answered your phone finally. I’ve been trying to call you. Did you just wake up?” Steven’s voice sounded concerned over the phone.

“Umm, yea I just woke up. What’s up?” I asked.

“Oh sorry for disturbing. I was wondering if you’d like to go out for breakfast or brunch looking at the time now?”

Honestly, I didn’t feel like going out.

“I think I’ll just stay at home and cook up something simple. I don’t really feel like going out.”

“Oh ok,” Steven’s voice sounded disappointed. “Do you want me to come over?”

I hesitated before answering. I wasn’t sure if I wanted company. Before all of these, I’d prefer to be alone. But now, somehow I felt I wanted Steven’s presence.

“Um, sure I’d like that,” I said.

“Okay, I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

I got up and looked at myself in the mirror. I looked like a mess. My eyes were swollen, no doubt from crying myself to sleep last night. And it didn’t help with dark circles under my eyes from lack of sleep. I could sleep with the sleeping pills though. But it didn’t stop the nightmares. I didn’t want to become dependent on medication, so I had to limit my intake.

I felt slightly better after taking a warm shower. I was in the kitchen looking for ingredients to cook up something when the doorbell rang. I opened the door to see Steven there with bags of food.

“Oh wow! You didn’t have to buy food. I was going to cook,” I said.

“It was on the way anyway and I didn’t want to come here empty handed.”

“Thanks anyway,” I gratefully accepted the food.

We ate quietly making small talk when Steven spoke up, “So my sister, Amanda is throwing a small welcoming home party this Saturday. And I would like to invite you.”

“Oh, ummm...” I was caught off guard for a moment. I really didn’t feel like being around people right now.

“Come on, it’ll be fun. Amanda is hosting it for me. And I would appreciate it if you could come,” Steven told me.

“I don’t know,” I began. “I don’t feel comfortable around people right now and I don’t want to be a party pooper.”

“Don’t worry, it’s just family and a few close friends. And Amanda really wants to meet you.”

I looked down contemplating. Steven looked disappointed. I thought about it. I mean I owe them both for helping me out. I also feel bad but my anxiety seem to be holding me back.

“Look Steven, I’m not saying no but I’ll think about it alright?”

Steven’s face light up, “Sure, just let me know if you decided to come and I’ll come pick you up.”