HERMOSA CLUB SERIES: Trick or Tears

Kabanata 9

Syl

Joaquin had to attend to something important. Hindi niya naman sinabi sa akin kung tungkol saan ang kailangan niyang asikasuhin. Nagbilin lang siya na sa bahay ng pamilya ko muna ako magpalipas ng gabi.

"Dito, anak. Oh, tingnan mo." Nakangiting ibinukas ni Mama ang isa sa mga kwarto. "Si Joaquin ang bumili ng mga gamit para rito sa kwarto mo. Kumpleto na at may sarili ring banyo."

Napalunok ako nang magsimulang manikip ang aking dibdib. May sarili akong kotse sa bahay na 'to? Sa bahay na halos isumpa ko noong pinili kong layasan?

God, this is worse than receiving their anger. Kinakain ako lalo ng kunsensya ko.

I silently inhaled a sharp breath before I forced a smile. "S-Salamat, Ma."

My mom smiled back then caressed my cheek, and while she was staring at me with a motherly look, something hit me really hard.

She didn't have the chance to show me compassion and motherly love before because she was so busy surviving. Oo, nagagalit ako sa kanila ni Papa dahil sa buhay na mayroon kami noon, pero ngayong nakikita kong maaliwalas ang mukha ni Mama kasi hindi na nag-iisip ng tungkol sa mga utang at kung may kakainin pa ba kami kinabukasan, parang mas . . . nakikilala ko kung anong klaseng tao ba talaga ang naging magulang ko.

Nilunok ko ang namuong bara sa aking lalamunan. "S-Sige ho. Magpapahinga na ako. Matulog na rin ho kayo."

"Sige, anak." She smiled. Parang hindi pa rin nga makapaniwalang nandito na ako. "Salamat sa pag-uwi mo, ha? P-Patawarin mo ako sa lahat ng mga naging pagkukulang ko noon."

My eyes felt hot. Bago pa man ako maiyak sa harap niya ay tumango na ako't pumasok sa silid. Hindi sa binabastos ko si Mama. I just didn't think I'd still be able to hold back my tears.

Natutop ko ang aking bibig nang muntik kumawala ang aking hikbi. That's my mother. That's the real her. The one who isn't so busy trying to make ends meet.

Dinukot ko ang phone ko sa bulsa nang makatanggap ng tawag. I answered it immediately as soon as I realized that it was from Joaquin.

"Hello?" bungad ko habang nagpupunas ng luha.

"Are you crying?" he asked. Tila ba kilalang-kilala niya pa rin ako kahit hindi niya ako nakasama ng ilang taon.

I sniffed. Wala rin namang point kung magsisinungaling ako.

"I just . . . had some realizations. N-Nasaan ka?"

"My whereabouts isn't important. Tell me what made you cry," aniya sa seryosong tinig.

I sat on the edge of the bed. Humugot ako ng malalim na hininga't tuluyang nagkwento.

"N-Nakaka-guilty lang kasi . . . kasi pinili kong lumayas noon kasi nagalit ako kila Mama. Inisip ko na napakairesponsable nila para ipanganak kami ng mga kapatid ko sa mundo kahit hindi nila kami kayang buhayin." I sobbed. "I only saw them in their struggling versions. I never got to see them as their versions who are no longer in their survival mode."

Narinig ko ang pagbuntonghininga ni Joaquin. "Mahirap maging mahirap, Syl. We both know that."

"I know." Suminghot ako't nagpunas ng luha. "And it breaks my heart to realize that my memories of them were focused on us surviving. Wala 'yong . . . wala 'yong ganoon sa hapunan? 'Yong naipagsasandok ako ni Mama? 'Yong kinakalinga ako at ipinapakitang mahal niya ko?" Nabasag ang boses ko't naging sunod-sunod ang paghikbi.

I heard a loud honk as if Joaquin is at a port or something. Hindi ko naman na naitanong pa dahil nagsalita na siya.

"Maybe that's how humans are really designed, Syl. Nawawalan ng panahong magmahal kapag masyadong abalang makaraos sa buhay. She and your father had several mouths to feed. I am not justifying their choices, but let's not invalidate their efforts to raise you. After all, they didn't come from a well-off family as well. Yes, it was a mistake that they didn't break their generational cycle before bringing kids into this world, but not everyone is strong enough to be the cycle breaker of the family, especially poverty, but just because they didn't get out of poverty doesn't mean they weren't able to break any cycle in the family. Nagkamali sila ng desisyon noong pinili nilang magkaanak kahit hindi pa sila financially capable, pero imbes na talikuran ang responsibilidad gaya ng ginawa ng mga magulang nila, pinanindigan nila kayo. Kahit mahirap, hindi nila tinalikuran ang pamilyang binuo nila. Let's forgive our parents for their bad decisions and inability to break cycles, and let us appreciate their efforts to try to become parents even when no one was there to teach them how to be one."

Lalo akong humagulgol. His voice was calm as if he didn't want me to taste his anger now that I am too emotional. Pero mas lalo naman akong naiyak kasi tama ang mga sinabi niya. My parents wanted us all to survive that they forgot how to live already, while my grandparents were so busy living they chose to let their kids survive on their own.

"T-Thank you, Joaquin," I said.

He sighed. "Magpahinga ka na. I have to go back to what I was doing."

I sniffed. "S-Sige. Goodnight."

Hindi niya na ako sinagot pa. Nang mamatay ang tawag ay nahiga na lamang ako't sinubukang matulog. Siguro dahil sa kakaiyak ko ay mabilis din akong dinalaw ng antok. Napahaba rin ang tulog ko kaya tinanghali na ng gising kinabukasan.

I went out of the room after changing my clothes and washing my face. Didiretso sana ako sa kusina para magkape nang marinig ko ang hagikgik ni Rhyz mula sa labas. May nakaipit na walis tingting sa kili-kili niya habang tila may kausap. Sumilip naman ako sa screen door para makita kung sino iyon.

"Sabi ko naman sa'yo magaling ako sa gano'n, eh. Hindi ka kasi nanood," ani Rhyz.

Joaquin smirked while holding a cup of coffee. "I was really busy pero susubukan kong makanood sa susunod. Isasama ko na lang ang ate mo."

Napawi ang ngiti ni Rhyz. I swear I even saw her roll her eyes when Joaquin took a sip on his cup.

Maya-maya ay tumikhim si Rhyz. "Ah, kuya? Maligo naman tayo sa dagat. Nami-miss ko nang magdagat."

"Sure. I'll check my schedule." Napalingon si Joaquin sa aking direksyon. Nang makita ako ay tinapik niya sa balikat ang kapatid ko. "Thanks for the coffee, Rhyz."

I pursed my lips when I saw how my sister glared at me while Joaquin was taking his steps towards my direction. Bakit gano'n? Bakit parang . . . may bakas ng selos sa mga mata ng kapatid ko?

May gusto ba siya kay Joaquin? Is that why she's so mad at me for coming back?

Diyos ko. Hindi ko gusto ang naiisip ko .