My bruises, Your Pain

Chapter 19: Faith is more than just a word

AysaIt’s been days but my body seems to tell a different story, the aches and cramps make it feel like weeks. All I seem to be is some experiment, needle after needle, prick after prick and all I can do is stare out in front of me. If they ask me to blink one more time for them to ‘understand’ me better my eyes are going to pop out of my eye sockets! It’s hard having no control over your bladder, having a machine to help me breathe and I cannot forget about the pipes coming from my mouth because I constantly look at them! My body is still but my mind is occupied. I wish…I wish I was dead.

I know, I know I am overreacting, I have so much to live for it’s just that I don’t want Austin and our son to see me like this. What if I stay like this? Will Austin have to look after me or put me in a home? You see, that’s what’s driving me crazy! All these thoughts and I can’t run away from them! This experience has made me felt like I could see more clearly, hear better and my olfaction is impeccable, no matter the distance. It just goes to show how amazing the human body is. The loss or inability of one sense increases the ability of the others. I could hear a woman mumbling, I couldn’t make out exactly what she was saying but her voice was soothing, peaceful…Her hymns so beautiful, it’s the only thing keeping me calm and making me fall asleep. I wish she could sing forever. I think the nurses also loves her singing, they are so much gentler when they move me around on the tune of her voice. They said that they were moving me to help blood flow in my body sine I am unable to move myself. Great! Austin is here, he looks distressed, nervous almost. Constantly looking over his shoulder, what was he looking at? What was behind him? I haven’t been here for so long and I already feel insecure and scared that he might return to his old habits. I closed my eyes for a split second and when I opened my eyes there he was…

My boy, he was a splitting image of his father especially when they have matching outfits on, which they did! Austin know me so well, he knew it would make me happy to see them like this, always joking around mocking me when I say he is his dad’s double ganger.  I was so happy I could just pick him up and kiss him…and for a moment I forgot. I forgot that I couldn’t move, I couldn’t touch him and without realising it my eyes filled with tears. I blinked several times allowing the tears to clear my foggy sight. They both had on light blue check shirt’s and black jeans, even their hair was comb to the same side. All dressed up looking ready for a photo shoot for a magazine. I take it in, in between my blinks. Finally Austin brought him closer, I tried to find things to distract me, the moving doors, her beautiful voice anything but it was quiet and suddenly the room was filled with AJ screaming for me “mommy, mommy!” The words devastating me, I really thought it would do me good to have him here but I have never been more scared in my life.

I heard Austin explaining everything to him, “mommy’s body has to rest after the accident, that’s why mommy haven’t been at home. The doctors here have been looking after her making sure that she lays perfectly still. You can touch mommy, (Austin gently rubs his finger on my cheek, making sure not to come close to the ventilator) you can talk to her (he whispers I love you in my ear) and just be careful for the pipes because they help mommy rest. Do you understand my boy?” He looked at his dad and looked at me, he was quiet for a while before he finally nodded. For a young little man he is very brave and clever, I so badly wanted to hug him and tell him just how proud I was of him. He let go of his dad’s hand and he tried to climb onto the bed, looking at his dad to give him a boost. Austin carefully placed him on the bed next to me, he gently brushed on my cheek, just like his dad showed him and turned to give me a kiss. Austin placed his backpack in front of him and he took out one of his story books.

It of course was a story about the sleeping beauty that was laying beautifully still until one day her one true love kissed her and she woke from s peaceful sleep…I think he chose this story because he was hoping that their kisses would make me all better, I wish so too. He was reading pretty well, seems like he has grown up so quickly while I have just been laying here. It was as if the universe was trying to tell me something, my negative thoughts were interrupting by a beautiful voice echoing the halls. AJ jumped up and smiled, jumped of the bed and next thing he was out the door…he was following the voice. Austin chased after him, I so badly wanted to see what happened next but I was stuck. A couple of minutes went by before they stormed back in, Austin looked pale and out of breath. How far could AJ have gone that he seems so out of sorts?

He stood there almost shocked, I am not sure his expression was confusing. I wanted to talk to him and be with him and my anxiousness of course set of the monitors. The nurses rushed in and looked at him just standing there as they examined me he walked closer to me, calmed me down before whispering in my ear…

“Faith brought you here,” his voice soft and amazed.