Kabanata 11
1165 Words
Margarette
Naging tahimik si Rig magmula noong nagkausap kami tungkol sa kapatid niya. Noong bumalik siya mula sa pag-s-scuba diving ay may dala nang pakete ng sigarilyong malapit na niyang maubos ngayon.
It bothered me so much even when I know it has nothing to do with me. Siguro ay nasanay lang ako na sa tatlong araw na kasama ko siya rito sa resort ay nasa akin lamang ang atensyon niya.
Hindi na ako nakatiis pa. I removed the comforter covering my lower body and went out of the king-size bed. Lumapit ako sa nakatalikod na si Rig at tumabi. I saw him glance at me for a brief moment before he puffed on his cigarette again while staring at the calm ocean in front of us.
"Ano ang . . . nararamdaman mo ngayon, Rig?" I asked.
"I'm mad and sad at the same time," surprisingly, he answered with a hint of honesty.
Bumuntonghininga ako. "Maybe you should say sadness and anger are in your heart right now."
Umismid siya. "What's the difference?"
Sinuklay ko ng aking mga daliri ang aking hinahanging buhok saka ko inilipat sa karagatan ang aking tingin. "May nabasa akong libro no'ng nasa bar pa ako. Sabi ro'n, we're supposed to feel the emotion, not identify ourselves as the emotion."
Inianggulo niya ang kanyang katawan paharap sa akin habang ang isang braso ay nakakalso sa railing ng veranda. "Elaborate."
I moistened my lower lip before I faced my body towards him, nearly mirroring his posture. "Often times, people judge the emotion they are feeling instead of observing it. Kapag daw hinuhusgahan natin ang emosyong nararamdaman natin, we embody that emotion. Kapag galit ang isang tao, they consider themselves as that emotion. Thus, causing them to act out of anger. Pero kung oobserbahan daw natin ang emosyong nararamdaman natin, we separate ourselves from it. Making it easier for us to realize what it's teaching us or what it's trying to tell us."
He scoffed. "Tell us, huh? And what could anger tell us aside from the things that made us angry?"
A small smile made its way to my lips. "The triggers. The parts of ourselves we need to heal. Sa kaso mo, siguro may bahagi sa'yo na sinisisi ang sarili mo dahil hindi mo naprotektahan ang ate mo."
Napawi ang galit sa kanyang mukha. Guilt twinkled in his eyes before he looked away as if he felt ashamed. Hindi rin muna ako kumibo at binigyan na lamang muna siya ng pagkakataong mag-isip. Maya-maya ay siya rin naman ang bumasag sa aming katahimikan.
"You're right. I blame myself because the man who took her away from us was my best friend. I looked up to him for so many years. I even aspired to become like him." Mapakla siyang ngumisi. "Tapos magiging wife beater lang pala siya. Suportado ko pa man din noon."
I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "It's . . . not your fault, Rig."
Bumaling siya sa akin habang madilim ang mukha dahil sa galit, pagsisisi at lungkot. "I should've sensed his real attitude. I should've saved Emry from him."
"Rig, it wasn't you who fell in love with the wrong person. It wasn't you who decided to live with a man who will beat you to death—"
"But I could've prevented that!" Tumaas ang kanyang boses ngunit nang napagtanto ang nagawa ay tumingala siya't humugot ng matalim na hininga habang mariing magkalapat ang mga labi. "I could've prevented that . . . only if I answered Emry's calls."
Kumirot ang aking puso nang marinig ko kung paanong namaos ang tinig niya sa mga huling salitang sinabi. This vulnerable side of him hurts me so much as if there's an invisible string connecting our hearts, allowing me to feel the same pain that's breaking him right now.
Itinaas ko ang aking palad at dahan-dahan iyong inilapat sa kanyang pisngi. Namungay naman ang kanyang mga mata lalo nang payak akong ngumiti bago nagsalita.
"Did your sister love you, Rig?"
His adam's apple bobbed up and down. "She did. Sobra. Even when I'm a pain in the ass, Emry never lost faith in me nor turned her back on me."
"Then she will never blame you kung nabubuhay siya ngayon, at siguradong masasaktan siya kung makikita niyang hanggang ngayon ay sinisisi mo ang sarili mo sa bagay na hindi mo naman ginawa."
As if I was able to touch his most vulnerable part, Rig crushed onto my arms and hugged me. Tila ba nais niyang humiram ng lakas sa mga bisig ko, at sa mga sandaling yakap ko siya't hinahaplos sa likod ng ulo, pakiramdam ko ay nagbago ang tingin ko sa kanya.
I used to see him as a total asshole who wanted to get rid of me. A man who collects girls and always leaves broken hearts in every place he visits. Now I understand why he acts that way.
He's broken, and he's trying to cover up his traumas by pretending that he's heartless. Kahit ang totoo ay wasak lamang ang puso niya.
I heard him sniff. "I don't want mom and dad to know about this conversation. They never wanna hear Emry's name because it breaks both of them."
"Is that why they never told me about her?" I asked, still hugging him.
Nadama ko ang kanyang pagtango. "They escape the pain by pretending she never existed."
"And you hate them for that? Naiisip mo bang sa akin nila ibinubuhos ang pagmamahal at atensyong dapat ay kay Emry?"
Bumuntonghininga siya. "Kapag nakatapos ka na, get your father's money and leave."
Kumirot ang aking puso sa hindi malamang dahilan. "Dahil ba nasasaktan kita sa tuwing nakikita mong ako ang nakatatanggap ng mga bagay na si Emry sana ang nakakakuha?"
"No." He sniffed and pulled away. "Things are more complicated than you thought but it's not my secret to tell. All I can do is to warn you."
Kumunot ang aking noo. "Ano ang ibig mong sabihin?"
Rig looked at me with bloodshot eyes. "You're not supposed to be in our care in the first place. I'm not saying this because I hate you. I'm saying this because I know you will never be able to accept everything once it's revealed to you, at kung iniisip mong alamin ang katotohanan oras na makauwi ka, please, save yourself. Pretend this conversation never happened and just focus on getting your license so you can finally leave my family."
Lumamlam ang aking mga mata. "Aren't you saying that just to . . . get rid of me?"
A faint smile made its way to his lips before he tucked my hair.
"I only wanna see you leave my family, Margarette not me."
Napakurap ako at ang puso ay nagwala. "Ano ang . . . ibig mong sabihin?"
He stared at me while the moon illuminated half of his handsome face.
"I wanna keep you solely for myself, Margarette. That's what I'm trying to say . . ."
- Writer
