My New Love

Chapter 9

A week has passed since Alex went to the mall with my friends, my brother, and me. Today is a terrible day for my family. It has been exactly three months since my brother, Carson, killed himself. We are all still in shock since my older brother always seemed so happy. None of us knew that he was suffering.

            Carson hardly ever expressed his feelings. No one could ever tell what he was thinking. Carson had a really great poker face. I was the one who found him three months ago. I ran off screaming when I found him lying dead. I was crying extremely hard. I couldn’t calm myself down. I called my parents as soon as I found him.

~

            “Hey Carson, I have to go to Nikki’s house for a project we are working on together. I’ll see you in a couple of hours,” I told him.

            “Okay, sis, I’ll see you later,” he responded. He gave me a really big hug and big kiss on the cheek. He hadn’t done that in a long time. I was a little bit worried about him. (I should have known something bad was going to happen that day. I could tell there was something off with him.)

            “Bye, big brother,” I responded. After that I took off and went to Nicole’s house. My thoughts were on my older brother the whole time. The project was not important to me at the time.

            “Aubrey, are you alright? You have been pretty distracted all day.”

            “I’m worried about Carson. He’s been acting strange for the last couple of weeks,” I responded in a really worried tone. (I really should have seen the warning signs back then.)

            “I understand that. I would be worried too if my brother was acting strange. We are almost done with the project. You should get home. We can finish the project tomorrow,” Nicole responded.

            “It’s alright; I can go home a little later. I would love to get this project over with,” I responded.

            Of course all of us had plans that day. My parents were grocery shopping and taking Mason clothes shopping. While we were doing our own thing my brother was writing out his suicide note.

            Around four o’clock in the afternoon is when I got home from Nikki’s. I was happy to see that Carson was still home. His car was in the driveway. “Carson, I’m home!”

            I didn’t get a response from him. He always answered me right away I felt even more worried than I was before. I ran to his room to knock on the door. “Carson, are you in there?”

            After five minutes he still didn’t answer me so I opened his door. He was lying on ground with a bullet wound to his head. The gun was lying right next to him. I picked up the envelope that lies next to his unconscious body. I ran out of the room screaming for help. No one was home still. I ran to the phone and dialed my parent’s phone number.

            “Answer, please answer! Answer, please,” I shouted into the phone. My parents’ didn’t answer the first time I called. I called them again thinking the same thing over and over in my mind. After they didn’t answer a second time I decided to call Mason. He always answered the phone.

            “Hello,” I shouted. I was screaming my lungs off.

            “Bre, please stop screaming you’re hurting my ears. What’s wrong? Please tell me that everything is alright?”

            “No, nothing is alright. Please put mom or dad on the phone.”

            “What’s wrong, honey, you sound really upset,” my mother asked me when she got on the phone with me. I was shaking, my shoulders were heaving, and tears were streaming down my face. I really didn’t know how to respond to her. How could I tell my mother that my older brother was dead over the phone? I just wanted them to come home.

            “M-Mom...you, dad, and Mason need to come home right now! Please come home as quickly as you can,” I responded. I was crying harder than I had in a very long time. I couldn’t tell my parents the news over the phone either.

            “We are on our way, sweetie,” my mother said and hung up. About ten minutes later my family came home. I ran into my dad’s arms as soon as he opened the door. I was still shaking and crying pretty hard. He was trying to get me to calm down, but I couldn’t bring myself too. I couldn’t even get the words out.  

            “What was so important that we needed to come home so suddenly, sweetheart,” my father asked in a gentle tone.

            “C-Carson is d-dead,” I responded so softly that none of them could hear me.

            “What did you say?”

            “CARSON’S DEAD,” I exploded. I ran out of the house. I really couldn’t stick around to see my family’s reaction. They probably felt the same way that I did. I called Jonathan to come pick me up. I needed to try to calm down. He was the only person at the time that could calm me down. When I got into the car he pulled me into his arms. He rubbed my back to try to calm me down. It didn’t really work because it just reminded me too much of Carson. Jonathan didn’t understand the situation. I was still crying way too hard to speak.

            “What’s wrong, babe? Are you going to be okay?”

            “No, I don’t think I’ll be okay for a while.”

            “What happened?”

            “Carson’s dead. He shot himself.”

            “What,” Jonathan exclaimed.

            I started to cry even harder. Jonathan didn’t know what to say anymore. He didn’t think it would something as serious as this...

            “I think I’m ready to go in now. I’ll just see you later,” I told Jonathan. After that I left his arms and went back into my house. When I got back inside of the house my father was reading a sheet of paper. My mother was crying extremely hard. Mason was silent. He was in a lot of shock. Mason ran into my arms as soon as the door opened. Mason had always come to me when he was upset. I held onto him as tightly as I could.

            My brother stayed quiet the whole time. “Daddy, what are you reading?”

            “Your brother’s suicide note...” he responded while starting to break down. Mom read it and started crying even harder than before. She handed the note to me. I didn’t know if I could bring myself too.

            “Why do you want me to read it?” I asked in a soft voice.

            “He wants all of us to read it,” my mother said quietly.

            The note read:

Dear family,

            I love you all with my heart and soul, but I don’t think I can go on living. Lately I have been in a whole bunch of pain. The pain started festering more as the days went by. The girl of my dreams was killed. Her father went crazy and stabbed her to death a couple of days ago. I went to go see her, but her mother told me...that she was gone. I apologize that I have taken my own life, but I can’t stand living without her. The pain was just too unbearable. I do have one last request. I would like all of you to read this letter.

            I want you all to know that I don’t think I could live without Olivia. She was the only girl that I have ever loved besides Mom and Bre. You two are important to me as well as she was. I never knew how to really express myself. Writing didn’t help...pain didn’t help...nothing at all helped me cope.

            Dad, I want you to know that I love you. I know that all of your goals will be accomplished. You are raising a great family. You have provided us with the best you could. You always made sure that we had food on the table. You work so hard for us all. Plus, you gave up your dreams to raise us. I could never tell you how much I appreciated that. I’m sorry, Dad, I really am, but I’m suffering too much now. You still have the women of your dreams. I’m happy that you do, Dad. Mom loves you with all her heart. Mom will always be your best friend, Dad. Mom will always be there for you in your time of need. I hope you never let that go. I hope that you never let that fire and passion leave your soul. We all know that you have a fighting spirit. I love you so much and thank you for raising me for the last nineteen years.

            Mom, I love you so much. I know that you are going to have a great long life with Dad by your side. You were always there for me when I needed you to be. I could tell you anything I wanted too. You would listen to everything I had to say. You wouldn’t judge me. You provided for me just as much as Dad has. You brought me into this world. I was safe with you. Dad loves you with all his heart. Just like I told Dad never let that passion you have for him burn away. You two deserve each other until the very end. You will both live very successful lives. I was glad to have a great parent like you.

            Aubrey, I have a lot to say to you because you were one of the best friends a brother could ask for. I hope that everything works out for you. Please never let your dreams and goals die. I know that you want to become a singer. Don’t give up on that because I know you will make it, little sis. You will become something. You will amount to anything you set your mind too. Sis, I know how painful this is for you. Losing me will probably be one of the hardest things you will have to experience. This had nothing to do with you or the family. I loved all of you so much. I know you hate me for leaving you, but know I will always love you. I will always be in your heart. I know that I haven’t really talked to you much about anything, but please don’t feel bad. None of this was your fault and it was my decision.

            Mason, you were one of my best friends as well. I know you are going to have the most trouble with accepting this. Ever since you were younger you always wanted me or Bre. I know that I told you that I would be there for you forever...but I’m sorry I couldn’t. I really couldn’t handle the pain that I was going through anymore. Mason, please promise me that you will never do something as stupid this. You are a smart little kid. You have a lot of life that you need to experience. I know that I am hurting you by leaving. Be brave because you are one of the strongest people I know, little bro. Like I told Aubrey, accomplish all the goals that you have set out. I love you, little brother. I will be in your heart just like I will be in everyone else’s.

            This is goodbye, but in the future there will always be a hello.

With Love,

Carson

            Reading the note just made me break down even further than I expected to. Mason was reading it in my arms. Tears finally started falling down his cheeks. I pulled him closer to me. He was going to have the most trouble accepting Carson’s death. They were the best of friends.

            “This is goodbye, but in the future there will always be a hello,” I stated quoting my brother’s last statement. My family looked up at me and nodded in agreement.

~

            I really want to be strong for Mason today. He’s lying in my arms right now. He’s trying really hard not to cry. Today, he’s trying his hardest to get me to smile. Last month, he stayed completely silent while he was lying in my arms.

            “You know what I think, sis?”

            “What do you think?”

            “I think deep down in his heart that Carson knew he was going to die that day. We should have all seen the warning signs, but we weren’t paying close enough attention. I really hope that you are not blaming yourself for what happened that day. I don’t feel that any of us should. He was suffering in silence so he took his own life. I could tell he was different up until that day, but I could never put my finger on it. We just have to remember that he loved us all.”

            “You know, Mason, you’re right. You are pretty smart kid,” I say while ruffling his hair. We stay like that for the rest of the day. I know in my heart that Mason was right. My brother, Carson, loved us all dearly. We all have to remember that like Mason said.